Its been so long since I have even had time to even think about writing my own thoughts down. I decided to skip classes today and just think and catch up on my sleep that I am lacking.
The world seems to be crashing and renewing at the same time. Destruction and rebirth of relationships and the holding on to something that probably should be let go. My sadness over Rayne and Amanda being together subsided but I pity Amanda for what had happened to her. However, I must remind myself this was her choice and she knew the outcomes and chances of what may occur by them dating. I did not think she would yield her token of purity so easily since she was so obsessed with being pure in the eyes of God and her family. A concept I never embraced. I did see her decline in this area with her gradual acceptance of visiting intimacy stores and my encouragement to satisfy her needs. I know far to well those urges she tells me of. The desire to feel some sort of physical intimacy with someone else even though I had never been kissed. They are cruel lonely desperate desires.
Amanda, I always knew had wanted Rayne to be her first and so in a sense she has been granted one wish she has always wanted. However, what has she given up for this? She seems to be putting up a front of strength and that is was no big deal. That Rayne leaving her and now off on his new gay adventures has just all been swept under the rug. There are feelings with in her I know that she if she could would use to destroy and hurt. She hints are her true feelings but then says she is letting by gones be by gones and not doing anything against what has caused her considerable grief.
What Rayne did I feel deep in my heart was wrong but this involved both of them and both consented. I can only hope Amanda learns from this. Rayne is a bundle of confusion. I truly think he is lost with what he really wants in life. He returns to Amanda thinking it will be different every time but it only ends in heart break for Amanda. Rayne seems less affected if at all by all this. It seems he is incapable of truly feeling and understanding another person and how he has affected them. He seems unable to accept responsibility for some things in life and has an issue with commitment. He never gives anyone a true chance. From my observations every person he likes or dates earns his attention for a time but he grows bored or finds some sort of minor issue with someone and cannot look around it. It is sad that he seems to be this way when he has so many who are willing to love him even with all his mistakes and issues in his life.
Even with all of his flaws, some of them deadly, there are those who still care about him. He has this ability to be so enchanting. He can make you feel like the most amazing person on earth and that he truly cares about you. Then just like that he can make you feel worthless with no regrets. He used to be so kind and loving to me. He treated me like I was something special to him. He could make me smile so easily and he made life exciting. Now I do not know what to think. He has harmed me in so many ways with little remorse more then saying I'm sorry. I am always the one who crawls back to him like a beaten woman who blames herself for his flaws. He doesn't deserve me.... Someone who would have done anything to make him happy and accept him for who he is. Someone who loves just being in the room with him and who loves to surprise him with little gifts. Someone who even though may not be super exciting wants to go on new adventures with him. Someone who is willing to take care of him when he falls flat on his face. I am nothing to him but freakish entertainment for the afternoon. I am.. a fool for continuing to hope he will change and that things will go back to the way they were when we first met. How many more times I can let myself be hurt by him I do not know. I just have to tell myself everyday he is only friend nothing more. I deserve some sort of happiness and it obviously is not with him.
Never good enough for anyone.. especially not him.
