Even amongst drunken conversation knowledge is to be held. Rayne can never truly understand the depth of the depression I have just as I can never fully see or hear the delusions or voices he has. Each person's mind is broke in some way. However, the difference is how we cope. Some overcome, other hide it, and some just can't help what is happening to them. I know I can never equate what happens in my mind to anything Rayne feels and even relating it to what he goes through is not fair and for me feels selfish to try and make it seem so horrible but for me what plagues my mind is intolerable.
Hearing others tell you that you are not worth it or reject you hurts. However, when its your own voice that demeans you every second of the day. Doubting who you are. Doubting you will ever be worth anything to anyone. It is maddening. When I am alone it is at its worst. Constant before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning, my only peace is when I fall asleep with tear crusted cheeks. My inner voice whispering: You'll never be loved, you are always the friend. No man can love you, your more manly than a gay man or some straight men and no real men want that. Your 21 and never been kissed or even on a date with a straight man, something is wrong with you.Your to ugly and fat for anyone to love. If it isn't this form of talk its me observing others and their reactions to me. I know I sometimes over analyze things but its hard when you feel like you are the laughing stock of the world.
Rayne wants me to seek help. I know I should because it is so hypocritical of me to speak so highly of others seeking help and to not be scared of it. I am tho. I hate feeling weak. I am not that girly girl who likes to emote her true feeling all over the place. I fear that judgement. I can't afford to pay for this either. I know therapy can be very long term and I will not always have the insurance to help pay for it. The other thing is my family. They joke about mental health all the time and are against medications. I don't think they would understand why I feel the way I feel. Just like at times I do not get it. No one has seen the letters I have written in my "death book", not even Rayne. I hide my writings usually and this is the most public yet but I know few people even look at this page so it does not concern me as much.
For now I will just wait and see if perhaps I can find my own happiness and find some way to battle my own demons tho I can feel my armor weakening
Just a video I watch when I feel horrible. How Oni makes me smile!
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