Truth?

Sigh, o the drama the slip of a tongue and an unthought consequence of actions causes. To think I do not care truly is not to know me. Judgement by words I lead you to believe with out one seeing for their own eyes. To answer the question do I care for anyone but myself? Hmmm would I look the way I do if I did? Would I break down at every potential loss of someone dear to me. Perhaps I just don't trust you because I have always felt as if I am the enemy. As if I am under fire. You admit you can manipulate and control and get what you especially in terms of information why would I have a strong sense of trust when every moment we bicker, banter, and fight over the ideals we differ on.  You think I'm a self-absorbed feminist and I think you are stuck in a traditional judgmental rut. We are like fire and water but instead of making steam we slowly destroy one another. 

Sure we have those bright moments but I always wonder and worry because you lay claim to something that is in fact no ones to own. We are both victims of reactive jealousy (in the context of friendships) deeming each other as threats to someone we hold close when in fact he fails both of us multiple times. Rayne gives me a small comfort I will admit that but I always respect him and his boundaries and rarely instigate behaviors that one would deem intimate. Most times it is mimicry and I follow his lead. We know how confusing this can be. I am not going to give any more excuses for what happened. I personally am not sure why exactly I did what I did. It was an urge inside I can't explain perhaps it is indeed to keep him close or perhaps to warn if it is used as potential bait and lure for power. Perhaps I believe he would not be so power hungry to do that to you. To use you. I don't know why I see such good in him when I have seen the other side and felt its deathly grip. It is foolish and I know I should have given up on him a long time ago but I have always been one for a fools journey no matter the hurt and destruction of my own self and sometimes of others. 

When I think on things I do regret and deep in my gut I know what I did was wrong but the conflict between us and at times what seems like a competition almost has numbed it. If I could go back in time I would slap myself for being stupid especially after we were getting along so well and now it seems I have permanently destroyed any progress. I just need that feeling that this friendship is legit before I commit. That this isn't me just being used to watch Rayne and for one to find out what he is up to. That this isn't a way to keep track of me because I am viewed as threat in some form and the keep your friends close and enemies close mentality isn't at hand. Rarely, do I lack trust and even I am baffled at my distrust. It simply has not happened like this. Perhaps it is because of a rough start my being influnced by others in my thoughts? I cannot give a complete answer but I do believe has a lot to do jealousy. Think what you must I guess. I will disagree to a point. I will admit being a self-centered at times but my life in not in self-absorption by any means. I guess we shall see what lays beyond here.