Metamorphosis

Not again. Why does this happen to me? I ache so much. This is so typical of me. I should have known that I was worthless to Rayne from the get go. Just like every other male in the universe. I am a waste of woman. The little teasing joke of me buying cat food for my imaginary cats all to soon to be real. The cat lady my only destiny. How many times to have to beg plead to have someone something in this life to love and actually want me. I'm so pitiful. I am trying to change... trying so hard. I crave some sort of feeling beyond lonely so I have taken to running through the woods, screaming my heart to the trees, and yelling at chipmunks. The music of Korn and Slipknot only pushing me to run harder.. to get the ache of soreness in my legs. Pain.. something to feel beyond my emotional anguish. I feel better after I run, I punch, I lift, and I dream by the edge of my silent pond. However, I always have to return to the world where I am not wanted by as much as I hate to say this freaking word.. a mate. I think I just puked a little. I don't have no sad crazy childhood, I have plenty of friends.. but no love even tho I seem to pour my heart to those who never reciprocate. The fates have been trying to tell me something. I see it when I walk and the recent luck that seems to have been granted to me some how. I cannot get over the images I have seen that seem to be telling me something more but what.

The two geese in the woods so obviously mates wandering along the river. A lone goose soon appears. Head low to the ground. A pitiful site to be held by goose standards. He creeps closer to the two head lower showing signs of aggression. The pair pays him no minds until at last he lunges at the pair and they fly away. The lone goose watches and slowly moves to the water edge and sits down with what seemed like pride but some sadness. I see the lone goose almost every time I walk and yell to him I know your anger and sorrow. I feel as if I am the lone goose but my question is.. Is it by my choice or someone elses? I know if I wanted just a physical relationship a rather revolting individual has made many offers but I don't want that. I am tired of being the ugly duckling whom can only attract the most lowly of men. I am this lone goose who hisses at others love because I have been shunned and denied so much to the point I have broken down and given up.

My dreams had been relatively silent as usual and I never take to much meaning to them. I am worried tho. I have had dreams of me being abducted several times. I can never remember much I just know it happened. I always wake up and I am horrified in the middle of the night and I go to make sure I lock my doors. I told my mom who has strange dreams at times that seem to come true on several occasions about my difficulty sleeping and the dreams. She is concerned now as well because my father has also recently had dreams of me being taken. My mother's sleep has grown restless.. I don't know how to take this, literally or metaphorically. I hope metaphorically such as the abduction being a sign of change or being controlled my someone else or forced down a different path.

There is something I don't know about Rayne and Amanda. A secret being held away from me for a reason. Sometimes I wish I was blind like the rest of the world. So I wouldn't have to worry or care. Something is going on with me and something is going on with them. I hate this not knowing and perhaps waiting destruction to strike. Especially when I sense it may be my own, whether that may be personality wise or my entire self. I can already feel the Sumara of the past I buried away trying to surface. She is not so nice and she hates the world and could careless what happens in it. I thought I had buried her in a deep grave but she is fighting to overcome me now....