Moving

I have decided that I am no longer going to post here anymore. I cannot say what I truly feel without ridicule and am going to move my thoughts to a more protected base. Right now is a time of moving on in so many ways. Some may be permanent but time will tell.  I hope I come back someday and look at what I have written and smack myself in my forehead at my stupidity. Its time to write my own story and it will not be here for some individuals to see because I have so much bottled up that I might explode. Best wishes to anyone who reads these depressing posts, I only wrote them to vent and to let others know they are not the only ones who feel lonely and confused in this harsh world.

No face

I dreamt of a man with no face last night. I stared across a room at his face in awe of the lack of features. No mouth no nose no eyes. Simply pale flesh and bald round head. He sits in a chair tapping his feet. Suit and tie disheveled. I fear him but I feel my self slow move through the darkness towards him. A blur of motion and he is front of me. Standing there appearing to look down. I want to touch the smooth orb of a face but he blank stare. I find a marker in my hands. I want to draw his eyes. He leans close and lets me slowly create his eyes and eyebrows. A mouth and nose next. Cruel drawings I know for I am no artist. He steps back and what I draw starts to move and laughter escapes his marker lips. Follow me he whispers in a slightly creepy voice. I want to but something holds me back. His voices turns angry and his expression changes from what I have drawn. So much anger. I run through a door that appears. The world seemingly creating itself around me. A lake appears. I jump and feel the cool wetness surround me. He splashes in after me. His face melting and voice becoming more muffled. He grabs me and pulls me close and his face and body is becoming distorted. He gurgles one more sentence. You cant run forever...

One more sip....

The delightful hiss of the carbonated bottle as I use the the opener. Metal against metal. Metal against glass. Soon my liquid comfort will come. I lift it enjoying its almost euphoric smell. Soon numbness will be my only concern. Alcohol my only love. It solves my problems for a short foolish second. Forgets about the world and the tears drying on my cheek. How I wish I could stay there in my fog of bliss. Soon however it is broken and emotion finds me in my sea of numb. Tears spill again. Wishing for things I do not have nor it seems ever will. I take another sip pleading for it to stop but my amber gold doesn't not help. I lay down in my bed, wishing for arms to hold me. Someone to dry my tears. Someone to make me feel less lonely. The glint of the knife beckons across the room. Calling me to sing its bloody tune. How long can I fight its enchanting allure is game I play often. I resist most often especially when others whisper in the same room of their loves sorrows. Four bottles now down and gone. My unholy medicine not healing. Nothing can save me now as I hold a toothy grin upon my arm. Red roses appear softly never to deep to cause to much harm. I watch them bloom and adrenaline swell. Soon however, the night will claim me and the morning will bear my foolishness. Scars will last with each lonely memory. Only I know their truths and my reality... Whom shall join with my bloody alcoholic damnation? I wish this on no other so I shall wait and sip my comfort and damnation wondering what curse lays in my path next....

Find me by the Lakeside

I don't know what to even say. It's been days since the news of Amanda and Rayne's engagement. I am hurt because of the lies even though Rayne does not see it that way. Of course, he never will admit he is wrong. I have taken back to a self I have not seen in a long time. Everyone tells me to just be happy and they are sick of my negativity. If I could just damn well be happy like the flip of a switch do you not think I would. Its so upsetting when people just think all it takes is a few kinds words and telling someone to shut up they are wrong to change their world. I thought Rayne could understand but obviously he cannot grasp the aspect of my emotions. I can understand him to a point then it ventures into chaos but his behaviors can be fairly predictable at times.

I had a dream of late. Meaningless to most people because I'm not awesome enough to have "prophetic" dreams of God telling me what to do with myself. If he did send me this one well I guess its time to leave this miserable planet. I dreamt I was at Rayne and Amanda wedding. I asked Rayne to dance with me and the song Careless Whisper by Seether came on. I stared at him as we danced and as the song ended I whispered Goodbye.. I turn and looked and a gun is in my hand. I see blood. I turn around and see myself on the floor blood pooled by my head. Rayne just staring and no one moving as I watch myself slowly die. I feel no sadness or shame. It feels right to be that way, nothing more then a memory floating near by. Then of course my alarm goes off and I am back from what seems like a blissful state of damnation to my world of my aching back and late school work.

People would probably say its a symbol of a ending relationship and my desire to move on. Perhaps though it just means it best for me to not be here period. I think I will wander to my secret spot today and contemplate what is best because I am growing tired of everything.

RANT RANt RAnt Rant rant ran ra r ....

Lauren has been keeping me busy along with my current school work. I have never been so lacking of sleep in my life. Clean clean ebay clean then read read sleep. Sigh I wanna just rant about every annoying thing on the planet PMS is a mean woman. Ava has been amongst the greatest desires for my ranting. Her current annoyance level is just astounding but its been a while since she has pestered me to much even tho it seems she has the ability to make that feeling linger. All I know my back hurts, I am feeling overwhelmingly depressed, and I have no motivation what so ever to put on my fake face tonight so I can go be rejected with Lauren by a group of guys from IC. Miss Negativity! Ooo how some days I wish she would disappear but she is the most comfortable form of myself even tho she leads to tears almost daily. She is the result of my feeling I do not deserve love. I do not deserve to happy with anyone... I try so hard to tell myself I am worth it but it fails everytime because the positive excuses never seems to be able to outweigh the good.

Miss Negativity reasoning for me not deserving/having love:

1. After almost 22 yrs of life I have been hit on by three people. This goes to reason #2.
2. I am overweight and plain. This results in less interest.
3. I have never been intimate in any manner with anyone not even kissing. No one wants to teach a 22yr old.
4. No confidence what so ever and super shyness/ social anxiety
5. I care to god damn much
6. I am fairly masculine and only gay guys f*ck other men
7. I like Fem men which mostly turn out to be gay

Miss Positive reasoning
1.  There is someone for everyone.
2. I am unique.
3. I am young so there is still time.

Of course people will argue that I am wrong but no one seems to be able to prove it.. sigh..

Never Ending Unacceptance

Its been so long since I have even had time to even think about writing my own thoughts down. I decided to skip classes today and just think and catch up on my sleep that I am lacking.

The world seems to be crashing and renewing at the same time. Destruction and rebirth of relationships and the holding on to something that probably should be let go. My sadness over Rayne and Amanda being together subsided but I pity Amanda for what had happened to her. However, I must remind myself this was her choice and she knew the outcomes and chances of what may occur by them dating. I did not think she would yield her token of purity so easily since she was so obsessed with being pure in the eyes of God and her family. A concept I never embraced. I did see her decline in this area with her gradual acceptance of visiting intimacy stores and my encouragement to satisfy her needs. I know far to well those urges she tells me of. The desire to feel some sort of physical intimacy with someone else even though I had never been kissed. They are cruel lonely desperate desires.

Amanda, I always knew had wanted Rayne to be her first and so in a sense she has been granted one wish she has always wanted. However, what has she given up for this? She seems to be putting up a front of strength and that is was no big deal. That Rayne leaving her and now off on his new gay adventures has just all been swept under the rug. There are feelings with in her I know that she if she could would use to destroy and hurt. She hints are her true feelings but then says she is letting by gones be by gones and not doing anything against what has caused her considerable grief.

What Rayne did I feel deep in my heart was wrong but this involved both of them and both consented. I can only hope Amanda learns from this. Rayne is a bundle of confusion. I truly think he is lost with what he really wants in life. He returns to Amanda thinking it will be different every time but it only ends in heart break for Amanda. Rayne seems less affected if at all by all this. It seems he is incapable of truly feeling and understanding another person and how he has affected them. He seems unable to accept responsibility for some things in life and has an issue with commitment. He never gives anyone a true chance. From my observations every person he likes or dates earns his attention for a time but he grows bored or finds some sort of minor issue with someone and cannot look around it. It is sad that he seems to be this way when he has so many who are willing to love him even with all his mistakes and issues in his life.

Even with all of his flaws, some of them deadly, there are those who still care about him. He has this ability to be so enchanting. He can make you feel like the most amazing person on earth and that he truly cares about you. Then just like that he can make you feel worthless with no regrets. He used to be so kind and loving to me. He treated me like I was something special to him. He could make me smile so easily and he made life exciting. Now I do not know what to think. He has harmed me in so many ways with little remorse more then saying I'm sorry. I am always the one who crawls back to him like a beaten woman who blames herself for his flaws. He doesn't deserve  me.... Someone who would have done anything to make him happy and accept him for who he is. Someone who loves just being in the room with him and who loves to surprise him with little gifts. Someone who even though may not be super exciting wants to go on new adventures with him. Someone who is willing to take care of him when he falls flat on his face. I am nothing to him but freakish entertainment for the afternoon. I am.. a fool for continuing to hope he will change and that things will go back to the way they were when we first met. How many more times I can let myself be hurt by him I do not know. I just have to tell myself everyday he is only friend nothing more. I deserve some sort of happiness and it obviously is not with him.


Never good enough for anyone.. especially not him.