Lauren has been keeping me busy along with my current school work. I have never been so lacking of sleep in my life. Clean clean ebay clean then read read sleep. Sigh I wanna just rant about every annoying thing on the planet PMS is a mean woman. Ava has been amongst the greatest desires for my ranting. Her current annoyance level is just astounding but its been a while since she has pestered me to much even tho it seems she has the ability to make that feeling linger. All I know my back hurts, I am feeling overwhelmingly depressed, and I have no motivation what so ever to put on my fake face tonight so I can go be rejected with Lauren by a group of guys from IC. Miss Negativity! Ooo how some days I wish she would disappear but she is the most comfortable form of myself even tho she leads to tears almost daily. She is the result of my feeling I do not deserve love. I do not deserve to happy with anyone... I try so hard to tell myself I am worth it but it fails everytime because the positive excuses never seems to be able to outweigh the good.
Miss Negativity reasoning for me not deserving/having love:
1. After almost 22 yrs of life I have been hit on by three people. This goes to reason #2.
2. I am overweight and plain. This results in less interest.
3. I have never been intimate in any manner with anyone not even kissing. No one wants to teach a 22yr old.
4. No confidence what so ever and super shyness/ social anxiety
5. I care to god damn much
6. I am fairly masculine and only gay guys f*ck other men
7. I like Fem men which mostly turn out to be gay
Miss Positive reasoning
1. There is someone for everyone.
2. I am unique.
3. I am young so there is still time.
Of course people will argue that I am wrong but no one seems to be able to prove it.. sigh..
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