I don't know what to even say. It's been days since the news of Amanda and Rayne's engagement. I am hurt because of the lies even though Rayne does not see it that way. Of course, he never will admit he is wrong. I have taken back to a self I have not seen in a long time. Everyone tells me to just be happy and they are sick of my negativity. If I could just damn well be happy like the flip of a switch do you not think I would. Its so upsetting when people just think all it takes is a few kinds words and telling someone to shut up they are wrong to change their world. I thought Rayne could understand but obviously he cannot grasp the aspect of my emotions. I can understand him to a point then it ventures into chaos but his behaviors can be fairly predictable at times.
I had a dream of late. Meaningless to most people because I'm not awesome enough to have "prophetic" dreams of God telling me what to do with myself. If he did send me this one well I guess its time to leave this miserable planet. I dreamt I was at Rayne and Amanda wedding. I asked Rayne to dance with me and the song Careless Whisper by Seether came on. I stared at him as we danced and as the song ended I whispered Goodbye.. I turn and looked and a gun is in my hand. I see blood. I turn around and see myself on the floor blood pooled by my head. Rayne just staring and no one moving as I watch myself slowly die. I feel no sadness or shame. It feels right to be that way, nothing more then a memory floating near by. Then of course my alarm goes off and I am back from what seems like a blissful state of damnation to my world of my aching back and late school work.
People would probably say its a symbol of a ending relationship and my desire to move on. Perhaps though it just means it best for me to not be here period. I think I will wander to my secret spot today and contemplate what is best because I am growing tired of everything.
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