Find me by the Lakeside

I don't know what to even say. It's been days since the news of Amanda and Rayne's engagement. I am hurt because of the lies even though Rayne does not see it that way. Of course, he never will admit he is wrong. I have taken back to a self I have not seen in a long time. Everyone tells me to just be happy and they are sick of my negativity. If I could just damn well be happy like the flip of a switch do you not think I would. Its so upsetting when people just think all it takes is a few kinds words and telling someone to shut up they are wrong to change their world. I thought Rayne could understand but obviously he cannot grasp the aspect of my emotions. I can understand him to a point then it ventures into chaos but his behaviors can be fairly predictable at times.

I had a dream of late. Meaningless to most people because I'm not awesome enough to have "prophetic" dreams of God telling me what to do with myself. If he did send me this one well I guess its time to leave this miserable planet. I dreamt I was at Rayne and Amanda wedding. I asked Rayne to dance with me and the song Careless Whisper by Seether came on. I stared at him as we danced and as the song ended I whispered Goodbye.. I turn and looked and a gun is in my hand. I see blood. I turn around and see myself on the floor blood pooled by my head. Rayne just staring and no one moving as I watch myself slowly die. I feel no sadness or shame. It feels right to be that way, nothing more then a memory floating near by. Then of course my alarm goes off and I am back from what seems like a blissful state of damnation to my world of my aching back and late school work.

People would probably say its a symbol of a ending relationship and my desire to move on. Perhaps though it just means it best for me to not be here period. I think I will wander to my secret spot today and contemplate what is best because I am growing tired of everything.

RANT RANt RAnt Rant rant ran ra r ....

Lauren has been keeping me busy along with my current school work. I have never been so lacking of sleep in my life. Clean clean ebay clean then read read sleep. Sigh I wanna just rant about every annoying thing on the planet PMS is a mean woman. Ava has been amongst the greatest desires for my ranting. Her current annoyance level is just astounding but its been a while since she has pestered me to much even tho it seems she has the ability to make that feeling linger. All I know my back hurts, I am feeling overwhelmingly depressed, and I have no motivation what so ever to put on my fake face tonight so I can go be rejected with Lauren by a group of guys from IC. Miss Negativity! Ooo how some days I wish she would disappear but she is the most comfortable form of myself even tho she leads to tears almost daily. She is the result of my feeling I do not deserve love. I do not deserve to happy with anyone... I try so hard to tell myself I am worth it but it fails everytime because the positive excuses never seems to be able to outweigh the good.

Miss Negativity reasoning for me not deserving/having love:

1. After almost 22 yrs of life I have been hit on by three people. This goes to reason #2.
2. I am overweight and plain. This results in less interest.
3. I have never been intimate in any manner with anyone not even kissing. No one wants to teach a 22yr old.
4. No confidence what so ever and super shyness/ social anxiety
5. I care to god damn much
6. I am fairly masculine and only gay guys f*ck other men
7. I like Fem men which mostly turn out to be gay

Miss Positive reasoning
1.  There is someone for everyone.
2. I am unique.
3. I am young so there is still time.

Of course people will argue that I am wrong but no one seems to be able to prove it.. sigh..