Cannot Stand

Sigh how sad it is that even on here people think I am an overemotional lesbain. So to set things straight lol. I am straight even though i strongly supposet LBGT and just because of my overwhelming ties and most of my stories relating to them does not mean that I am among them. Ok... off to the real purpose of this.

Rayne.. how you worry me. Your illness worsening just as the scars on your arms seem to run deeper and become more prevalent. I want you to find peace I want the voice the screams the anger I want it all to stop for you so badly. If for one day.. heck for the rest of them if I could take them away and give you peace to let you find yourself I would. Your worries that you tell me only make me worry more. I will not always be here to try and rescue you or calm you the best I can. I honestly would try my best but even that might not be enough. Please dont let it consume you. Please fight I know it is a daily struggle but please fight if not for yourself for me for your family and for everyone who loves you. None of us can ever truly understand what is happening to you but we can try our best.  Always remember I care and I love you even if is not something you wish for me to do it is always there for you.

Bliss

Classes are going great. My teacher is strangely intrigued by me which is something new. Most of of my professors could car less let alone take a vested interest. It is kinda nice feeling wanted and valued for once. Everyone of my papers she makes such positive comments and is very interested in what I write. It is all confidental and sometimes I think my papers turn more into journals than anything. It is so awkward to be stopped by a teacher before class and having them complement me on my paper telling me that they agree with me or have some understanding in a current dilemma.  I never thought that I would be so interested in these classes either or actually have so much to add and learn from. I should thank Rayne for that I guess.

Speaking of him. I thought that this summer would clear my mind and let me learn patience and distance with him. He certainly is good at the silence aspect. I try and maintain contact and it has been a waste of time mostly until of late. It was so strange actually recieveing a message saying he missed me. I had all but gave up on him and figured that my replacement had bemused him into the reality that I am not returning for a long time. Hopefully he continues to stay in contact it so nice to hear from him!

Following Secrets

No one sees me nobody cares
I live in a different reality than theirs
Follow the Prince mad of mind
Play the games
See who gets hurt this time

Shall I reach for the rabbit
or will it be the blade
a touch of maddness
I must keep at bay

No magic powers
Nothing but my human soul
Defenseless and meek
This secret takes its toll

What is normal?
I cannot tell no more

Useless Once Again

Replacement in full swing as your mouth whispers your secrets. I thought I was the one you trusted but I guess that was wishful thinking. Hurt once again as I see you leaving for your concrete jungle. Left behind only to be alone. What demise do you suggest for me? Insanity? My own knife? Drowning in my tears? All sound like peace anymore. So now I see the truth in those words you whispered to me not so long ago. You will not wait for me like you said. You will move on and forget like I always knew you would. You will no longer need me to go with you because you only need one to continue on your quest and I guess I am just not it. So go.. endanger the uneducated one who claims they know so well of you when they have only seen a tip of the ice berg. Lead her as you lead me so when I return I will be useless once again.

Deafening Silence

Your silence is deafening,
more traumatic than any storm. 
I just want to understand you,
because you never could.
Don't you see that I care about you,
I always told you I would.
Now I'm in a similar darkness,
without the madness that is now reality.
I hear my own voice condemning and pushing,
just make myself yet another fatality.

Let me in once again,
clean your wounds if you will let me.
Help make this darkness end,
perhaps we can both be happy

Rawr

Just so frustrated with things right now. It seems I am failing at everything and I cannot do nothing right. I do not know what to do in my life anymore. College is pissing me off.. I feel like dropping out at time but I feel like I would just crush a lot of dreams that way. All I do is worry about everyone else. It is screwing up my life but I feel so lonely without having to worry about someone or something. My family has taken the news of my grades a lot better than expected but they are not happy at all. They have their suspicions as to why I failed and blame it on me and my friends to a degree. Accusing them of things that they cannot help and that my family does not know much about. They do not know my friends like I do and yes I know sometimes.. ok a lot of times I am taken advantage of financially. It my fault also tho because I have the capability to say no but I hate to disappoint people.

My mom has been after me again about the whole having gay friends thing. " If you ever want a straight man you have to get out of the bars and stay away from all those gays"" It makes you look gay when you hang out with them all the time".. Sigh I can see the disappointment in my mom's eyes at the fact that I do not nor have ever had a boy friend only gay friends. She has no idea how much it hurts when she pressures me like that. I want a guy to but seriously pushing me isn't going to help. I wish she could see how lonely I feel and understand that it is hard for me to approach or even relate to a lot of guys it seems. I don't want to be alone. It's not my choice to be single. I just cant help the only thing I seem to attract are gay men and married old farts. I love my gays very much so if I do I ever get a guy which the likely hood of occurring declines everyday  they will have to freaking live with it because my friends comes first.

I know your lonely

I know your lonely... those four words reverberating in my mind. How can you have read me so well when everyday I make myself about everyone else. Sigh my friend you are going to be great at your career is all I can say. Year after year neither I nor anyone has said those words until to recently. Leaving with the truth I hide from myself. Yes, I am very lonely. Sure I have friends and family but ultimately I just want someone to love and be loved back for once. Someone to return my hugs with equal warmth and strive to want to see me instead of a dominantly one sided relationship at times. The hugs and subtle physical touches do help qwell my demands for partnership to a degree but ultimately I go home to a home or room that is empty besides my family and I curl up at night wishing for the warmth of someone beside me even if it is just a friendly one.

You stick beside these guys you like so much even when they are not interested in you because you hope they will see in the end what you have all done for them and that you were the one always there for them in their times of need. Sigh, once again my friend is remarkably good. Yes, I do this very often I know this but it gives me some sort of joy and something to put effort into and gets other darker thoughts off my mind worrying about others. I am only human and crave what I cannot have due to this gotta have it now mentality that we have been raised in.

Seems my friend is able to find a lot of the missing pieces that I have hidden but she will never ultimately understand the depth of what I have on my mind. The confusion, the emptyness, the dreams, and so much more.