The Knight Lies

Its not you Its me
I just don't like you that way
Can't we just be friends
I'm not into girls like you
Your like a sister

So many ways to let someone down. It hurts to be pushed away and never given a chance. You love them but they do not love you back or at least not in the way you want them to. It is mind numbing and painful not to be wanted, not to be desired especially by those whom we admire the deepest. You crave to just be given the chance to show them that perhaps you are their soul mate but they push you away. Most are kind enough to use the above statements but hidden beneath them the truth of what they are really saying is hidden. They know not to say you are just not attractive to them and to shove the blame or potential somewhere else. There is always someone else that you can have or someone else that you deserve. They always say there is some sort of knight in shining armor waiting for you but they are just not it. So I am not worth the try is what you are saying? I am not good enough for you but someone else out there is willing to take what you deemed not worthy? They try and calm your tears just so they will not have to feel your anger at the truth behind your words. Sure, in some situations those words are true and perhaps it is at risk of loosing a great friendship but it does not stop the ache. So you give up and hope to find someone new. Someone who is not so shallow but what happens when that journey seems to never end? No one gives you a chance and they all shove you aside, then what? You find yourself thinking of the ones you almost had and the ones you never will. You find yourself lost in emotion and loneliness. It slowly turns to despair. Perhaps the taste of alcohol or drugs seems to fill that abyss that you now have for a heart. It seems there is no light even when you are surrounded by friends who try to push you in the right direction but it always leads to another loss, another name added to the list of people to whom you are not worthy. So then when you are lost and alone you keep hold to those words that those who have shoved you away. There is someone for everyone..... just not you, the words are a treacherous cycle that slowly consumes you. Soon everyone leaves because they do not want to be taken down with you and they have their own loves to worry about. What are you left with... the memories of every denial, the failure of your attempts, and the shattered dreams. Yet, you hold on because even tho the darkness has consumed you there is still a tiny spark of hope that you hold on to. Perhaps a friend or family member has decided to still stand by you and try and battle your inner demons. Will they help find the light? For my sake I hope so.

Love?

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.

a love affair;  an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.

sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.

( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.

affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.

strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.

the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.

the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.

Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.

14.

a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

These are all definitions of one word that seems to consume most of our human lives. We strive to seek it in another and desire to be loved back. What really makes us strive for this concept? Hormones? Genetics? Human nature? Why do we strive to have a strong fulfilling relationship with another? This questions go through my mind a lot. It puzzles me as to why this feeling and emotion exists and can we really survive mentally and physically without it. Why do we feel lonely, when there are others around us? Why do we make ourselves go through this process?

Without love there would be nothing left but the urge to procreate just to continue the human race. Love separates us from animals in some sense even though some people may believe that animals to are capable of love. I think they are but not to the degree humans are capable of. 

I myself often wonder if I really need love. I am speaking of romantic love not the love you experience for family and friends. Do I honestly need this feeling to feel complete and happy in life? I am not sure, it seems I have done well without it so far. I have never truly romanticly loved anyone and I am still breathing and moving on in my life and attempt to succeed but in the end will I feel complete without it or is just society telling me I am wrong because I have never experienced this?

WoMan

Jeffree Star

A memory crossed my mind tonight while watching Faceoff. It was amazing how people could be transformed into such works of art. A rather fascinating show for anyone who is interested in the movie industry and its special effects. Anyways, the memory that crossed my mind is of a close friend of mine, Jeremy. I grew to love him but there was one problem he was gay and is currently on his way to possibly being transgender. It was amazing the transformation I saw after the months he came out to me and his friends. It was subtle but slowly he became even more girly than me. He would strut in high heels and work tight fitting dresses. His eyeliner was so perfect all the girls envied him. How could I fall for such a creature? Perhaps it was all that blush or that ever increasing confidence? Maybe deep inside I had an inner lesbian that was crying to come out? Who knows, it still baffles me. The memory in particular of this gorgeous individual was a few years ago at my college. I was at a neighboring dorm visiting with him and some friends. A pillow fight ensued and it resulted in me tipping and clumsy falling into his lap. Head first into an area only men where allowed to venture. I pulled away apologizing thinking it quite funny at the time until he grabs my head and looks me in the eyes and asks something I had never thought he would ask. Would you change into a man for me, why can't you just have a dick? I did not know how to answer, I had never thought of such a thing and now I am still wondering as to why this question puzzles me so much. Would I honestly be willing to change a physical aspect of myself, such as whether or not I have a dick? I do not think I would. I think if you honestly love someone you should be able to look beyond that aspect of them and not ask them to change. It hurts knowing that this was the only thing keeping me from being able to date someone like him. A simple body part and he wanted me to change from what I was just to satisfy him because my current self could not but yet he tells me he loves me. I think people can do whatever they want with their bodies. If you are a man and you want boobs go for it, If you a girl and you decide you do not want your breasts go for it. If that is what will make you feel complete and happy the more power to you. All I ask is this do not ask others to change their physical anatomy for your own gain. Instead how about you actually go for the people who do have that set of anatomical traits you desire. Jeremy and I are still very compatabile but I finally realized we are just friends. He has never asked me another question like this and seems to have moved on well in his life but deep inside I will always love my sweet transvestite.

Who?

Who am I? Well why do you want to know? What is it that makes you want to know me? Am I pretty enough for you to talk to? Is there some physical feature that you wish to acquire? Perhaps my hip to waist ratio is in your right category? 

Males.. thinking women are just things to capture and to prize due to their desire to simply pass on their genetic gravy. Do they really want to know me for my personality? I have not met many men who do. Those whom I have found that desire my personality and my companionship turn out to be gay men. Oh how I love them. To bad gay men are not actually the straight ones. Perhaps the straight men can put away their testicular pride for a few seconds and look at how real men should act. I am not suggesting that men go out and act like the stereotypical gay man. I would just like it for once you use a little tact when approaching a female. Maybe actually want to be her friend and discover things about each other and build trust before whipping out the sexual warfare that you declare on us in a desperate attempt to get some action. Of course, my desires are probably unrealistic. Men cannot seem to help themselves and the ones that can are often looked down upon or do not have enough courage to put themselves out there for women to truly appreciate.