Truth?

Sigh, o the drama the slip of a tongue and an unthought consequence of actions causes. To think I do not care truly is not to know me. Judgement by words I lead you to believe with out one seeing for their own eyes. To answer the question do I care for anyone but myself? Hmmm would I look the way I do if I did? Would I break down at every potential loss of someone dear to me. Perhaps I just don't trust you because I have always felt as if I am the enemy. As if I am under fire. You admit you can manipulate and control and get what you especially in terms of information why would I have a strong sense of trust when every moment we bicker, banter, and fight over the ideals we differ on.  You think I'm a self-absorbed feminist and I think you are stuck in a traditional judgmental rut. We are like fire and water but instead of making steam we slowly destroy one another. 

Sure we have those bright moments but I always wonder and worry because you lay claim to something that is in fact no ones to own. We are both victims of reactive jealousy (in the context of friendships) deeming each other as threats to someone we hold close when in fact he fails both of us multiple times. Rayne gives me a small comfort I will admit that but I always respect him and his boundaries and rarely instigate behaviors that one would deem intimate. Most times it is mimicry and I follow his lead. We know how confusing this can be. I am not going to give any more excuses for what happened. I personally am not sure why exactly I did what I did. It was an urge inside I can't explain perhaps it is indeed to keep him close or perhaps to warn if it is used as potential bait and lure for power. Perhaps I believe he would not be so power hungry to do that to you. To use you. I don't know why I see such good in him when I have seen the other side and felt its deathly grip. It is foolish and I know I should have given up on him a long time ago but I have always been one for a fools journey no matter the hurt and destruction of my own self and sometimes of others. 

When I think on things I do regret and deep in my gut I know what I did was wrong but the conflict between us and at times what seems like a competition almost has numbed it. If I could go back in time I would slap myself for being stupid especially after we were getting along so well and now it seems I have permanently destroyed any progress. I just need that feeling that this friendship is legit before I commit. That this isn't me just being used to watch Rayne and for one to find out what he is up to. That this isn't a way to keep track of me because I am viewed as threat in some form and the keep your friends close and enemies close mentality isn't at hand. Rarely, do I lack trust and even I am baffled at my distrust. It simply has not happened like this. Perhaps it is because of a rough start my being influnced by others in my thoughts? I cannot give a complete answer but I do believe has a lot to do jealousy. Think what you must I guess. I will disagree to a point. I will admit being a self-centered at times but my life in not in self-absorption by any means. I guess we shall see what lays beyond here.

Whats the point?

Depressed.. lonely.. sheltered.. tired.. weak.. someone kill me please.. it hurts.. lonely forever.. no future.. I want to die.. forget me.......................... wait come back.. love me.. i just need some support.. lie to me and tell me its ok.... give me advice... lie to me.. tell me I am pretty.... hold me.. walk away.. change... hate me... play more mind games.. hurt.. lonely... I dont care anymore.. I can be happy.. I am strong.. Why do you matter.. You dont deserve me... Wait... I love you.. ooh you dont.. I would do anything to make you happy.. wait you wont.. kiss the other in front of me.. kill me with your words and actions.. hate grows.... words spoken not meant to be said... apology.. understanding.. heart still aches.. decision..... to forget and move on.. change myself... die? 

Confusion............

Weakened Armor

Even amongst drunken conversation knowledge is to be held. Rayne can never truly understand the depth of the depression I have just as I can never fully see or hear the delusions or voices he has. Each person's mind is broke in some way. However, the difference is how we cope. Some overcome, other hide it, and some just can't help what is happening to them. I know I can never equate what happens in my mind to anything Rayne feels and even relating it to what he goes through is not fair and for me feels selfish to try and make it seem so horrible but for me what plagues my mind is intolerable.

Hearing others tell you that you are not worth it or reject you hurts. However, when its your own voice that demeans you every second of the day. Doubting who you are. Doubting you will ever be worth anything to anyone. It is maddening. When I am alone it is at its worst. Constant before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning, my only peace is when I fall asleep with tear crusted cheeks. My inner voice whispering: You'll never be loved, you are always the friend. No man can love you, your more manly than a gay man or some straight men and no real men want that. Your 21 and never been kissed or even on a date with a straight man, something is wrong with you.Your to ugly and fat for anyone to love. If it isn't this form of talk its me observing others and their reactions to me. I know I sometimes over analyze things but its hard when you feel like you are the laughing stock of the world.

Rayne wants me to seek help. I know I should because it is so hypocritical of me to speak so highly of others seeking help and to not be scared of it. I am tho. I hate feeling weak. I am not that girly girl who likes to emote her true feeling all over the place. I fear that judgement. I can't afford to pay for this either. I know therapy can be very long term and I will not always have the insurance to help pay for it. The other thing is my family. They joke about mental health all the time and are against medications. I don't think they would understand why I feel the way I feel. Just like at times I do not get it. No one has seen the letters I have written in my "death book", not even Rayne.  I hide my writings usually and this is the most public yet but I know few people even look at this page so it does not concern me as much.

For now I will just wait and see if perhaps I can find my own happiness and find some way to battle my own demons tho I can feel my armor weakening


Just a video I watch when I feel horrible. How Oni makes me smile!

Explanation

Some may be confused about my random previous post. It seems that both people whom I know have blogged about this issue have taken the stance of silence once again to public each for different reasons. One I was watching privately with out her knowledge because I wished to learn more and more about this organization that I spoke of previously and it was kind of a test to a degree. Just to test what I knew of her and what she claimed to be. Wrong perhaps in the eyes of our friendship which I apologize for but with what I know it stands to reason my desire to question what I am being told and what I currently understand.

For those that have no clue what I am speaking of. I will give a general overview of somethings that I have been told by others. This information I was told affects the lives of two close individuals of mine and I am very confused about the situation. I am hesitant to write about it on here but honestly it just another test that must be done. I am finally realizing I cannot believe without question anymore as much as I would like to because there are so many alternate options. Rayne, whom I have spoke of before, is the one who brought me into this circle of confusion, starting with his letters and journals he had written and slowly leaking me more information about his former life. What I am about to say was told to me in the affect that it is extremely dangerous knowledge.

For most of us we assume our government is well not the most honest people in the books but we still trust them as a society to do what is right. According to Rayne and my other cohort whom I will call Amanda, there is a secret organization that was created by the U.S. under the Bush presidency after 9-11. This organization operated secretly and terminated those who were deemed threats and I am sure they did other secret gov stuff as well. I am not certain of a lot of things so these are all generalized statements just to remind you dear readers and some of this may need to be revised if I am incorrect or leading on to much.

My friends claim to have been involved with this organization in there high school years and later. Rayne has the most incredible stories. Amanda I have not been able to speak with much about these situations because I know she does not wish me to understand anything further of this. These claims are extraordinary and in my previous blog I have spoken of my doubts and theories and what evidence I do have to support their claims.

One day I hope I will know the truth and understand it instead of tossing all this in my head everyday. Wishing I could dive deeper into the stories and meet the others Rayne and Amanda claim to know that are involved and learn more about them. I however, respect Rayne enough not to pry to much and will not do so unless he wishes. He is my best friend and this story, reality, whatever it is; it is not worth losing his friendship.

Cloak and Dagger

Story time yet again. Another pile of stories with the evidence the words you speak or type. It hard sometimes to believe especially when one is trying their best to study to a field that would totally contradict those thoughts and perhaps establish a case study just on what I know because it so interesting and peculiar. I have a few theories as to what is going on. Simple quick theories that with out much study and a little evidence there is support for it.
Theory A) This organization is real. I freaking hate them. They need to leave Rayne alone he has enough mental anguish as it is. They confuse the hell outta me by forcing others to tell me secrets and pull me along this line that I thinly walk in normal life making me wonder if I myself am going insane. What purpose do they have by telling outsiders or allowing outsiders or allowing outsiders who do find out to live for that matter. Why allow leaks? Perhaps they believe no one will believe it and pass it off as crazy or that person as crazy  therefore saving their asses. To me if I was a secret organization and I had some loose ends I sure as hell would tighten them any way possible and take care of the loopholes. I am nothing special and have no particular skills they could use except for the fact I care deeply about Rayne and for some reason trusts me. Rationale for supporting this theory: Members/Former members have detailed and quick recall of events, some potential photographic evidence seen in a binder I found along with photos I was told of doubles, the number of people I am told that believe and know about this. Rationale for doubt: I have not spoken to those whom claim to still be further involved, I have not spoken to families of members who know and asked their perceptions, limited support for former members, former member has severe mental illness whose symptoms can greatly distort reality, claims of doubles may be rationalized with MPD, elaborate detailed stories can be seen in numerous disorders, no other physical evidence that this exists beyond spoken word and a few photos.
Theory B): This organization is a disillusion of a seriously ill individual who has been lead to believe all these horrifying and incredible things thus scaring him for life. MPD is a potential diagnoses to explain doubles- Appearance is same but attitudes different. Occurs during times of extreme stress or psychosis. Potentially working together with schizophrenia  or schizotypal personality disorder enhancing disillusions. Explanation for others Share Disillusion Disorder or the attempt to escape reality or the attempt manipulate another into holding on to them.
Theory C): It is a mixture of both theories. The organization exists but MPD may be a current or past potential.(would explain current memory loss/lapses in individual and claims of being missing for extended periods of time) Stories may be distorted due to mental illness but still may have some truth to them.

I can theorize all I want. I have been trying to examine this and understand this from the day Rayne told me his secrets and continued to do so. From the weeks I started having dreams of him coming out to me that he was some sort of alien before other info was revealed. I don't know what to think anymore and it is driving me up the wall. I want answers. Solid answers. However, I am no longer going to let this be a focus on my life. I am not going to be paranoid no more. Cautious to a degree potentially but I am not going to let this consume my constant bickering in my head. The answer maybe important but the most important thing to me is being there for Rayne right now. In the present and not some screwed up past. He is right it is time to move on. It is time to find our true lives and not live in whatever past we have and I am going to try and do that for my own personal dilemmas in life.

Unclouded
(yes my psych class in partially to blame for this rant )

Cannot Stand

Sigh how sad it is that even on here people think I am an overemotional lesbain. So to set things straight lol. I am straight even though i strongly supposet LBGT and just because of my overwhelming ties and most of my stories relating to them does not mean that I am among them. Ok... off to the real purpose of this.

Rayne.. how you worry me. Your illness worsening just as the scars on your arms seem to run deeper and become more prevalent. I want you to find peace I want the voice the screams the anger I want it all to stop for you so badly. If for one day.. heck for the rest of them if I could take them away and give you peace to let you find yourself I would. Your worries that you tell me only make me worry more. I will not always be here to try and rescue you or calm you the best I can. I honestly would try my best but even that might not be enough. Please dont let it consume you. Please fight I know it is a daily struggle but please fight if not for yourself for me for your family and for everyone who loves you. None of us can ever truly understand what is happening to you but we can try our best.  Always remember I care and I love you even if is not something you wish for me to do it is always there for you.

Bliss

Classes are going great. My teacher is strangely intrigued by me which is something new. Most of of my professors could car less let alone take a vested interest. It is kinda nice feeling wanted and valued for once. Everyone of my papers she makes such positive comments and is very interested in what I write. It is all confidental and sometimes I think my papers turn more into journals than anything. It is so awkward to be stopped by a teacher before class and having them complement me on my paper telling me that they agree with me or have some understanding in a current dilemma.  I never thought that I would be so interested in these classes either or actually have so much to add and learn from. I should thank Rayne for that I guess.

Speaking of him. I thought that this summer would clear my mind and let me learn patience and distance with him. He certainly is good at the silence aspect. I try and maintain contact and it has been a waste of time mostly until of late. It was so strange actually recieveing a message saying he missed me. I had all but gave up on him and figured that my replacement had bemused him into the reality that I am not returning for a long time. Hopefully he continues to stay in contact it so nice to hear from him!