Never Ending Unacceptance

Its been so long since I have even had time to even think about writing my own thoughts down. I decided to skip classes today and just think and catch up on my sleep that I am lacking.

The world seems to be crashing and renewing at the same time. Destruction and rebirth of relationships and the holding on to something that probably should be let go. My sadness over Rayne and Amanda being together subsided but I pity Amanda for what had happened to her. However, I must remind myself this was her choice and she knew the outcomes and chances of what may occur by them dating. I did not think she would yield her token of purity so easily since she was so obsessed with being pure in the eyes of God and her family. A concept I never embraced. I did see her decline in this area with her gradual acceptance of visiting intimacy stores and my encouragement to satisfy her needs. I know far to well those urges she tells me of. The desire to feel some sort of physical intimacy with someone else even though I had never been kissed. They are cruel lonely desperate desires.

Amanda, I always knew had wanted Rayne to be her first and so in a sense she has been granted one wish she has always wanted. However, what has she given up for this? She seems to be putting up a front of strength and that is was no big deal. That Rayne leaving her and now off on his new gay adventures has just all been swept under the rug. There are feelings with in her I know that she if she could would use to destroy and hurt. She hints are her true feelings but then says she is letting by gones be by gones and not doing anything against what has caused her considerable grief.

What Rayne did I feel deep in my heart was wrong but this involved both of them and both consented. I can only hope Amanda learns from this. Rayne is a bundle of confusion. I truly think he is lost with what he really wants in life. He returns to Amanda thinking it will be different every time but it only ends in heart break for Amanda. Rayne seems less affected if at all by all this. It seems he is incapable of truly feeling and understanding another person and how he has affected them. He seems unable to accept responsibility for some things in life and has an issue with commitment. He never gives anyone a true chance. From my observations every person he likes or dates earns his attention for a time but he grows bored or finds some sort of minor issue with someone and cannot look around it. It is sad that he seems to be this way when he has so many who are willing to love him even with all his mistakes and issues in his life.

Even with all of his flaws, some of them deadly, there are those who still care about him. He has this ability to be so enchanting. He can make you feel like the most amazing person on earth and that he truly cares about you. Then just like that he can make you feel worthless with no regrets. He used to be so kind and loving to me. He treated me like I was something special to him. He could make me smile so easily and he made life exciting. Now I do not know what to think. He has harmed me in so many ways with little remorse more then saying I'm sorry. I am always the one who crawls back to him like a beaten woman who blames herself for his flaws. He doesn't deserve  me.... Someone who would have done anything to make him happy and accept him for who he is. Someone who loves just being in the room with him and who loves to surprise him with little gifts. Someone who even though may not be super exciting wants to go on new adventures with him. Someone who is willing to take care of him when he falls flat on his face. I am nothing to him but freakish entertainment for the afternoon. I am.. a fool for continuing to hope he will change and that things will go back to the way they were when we first met. How many more times I can let myself be hurt by him I do not know. I just have to tell myself everyday he is only friend nothing more. I deserve some sort of happiness and it obviously is not with him.


Never good enough for anyone.. especially not him.

Why can't I for once dream of unicorns or something?

My head is swimming with my heart these days. Night is no longer a comfort and refuge of late. I usually can sleep away my trouble and tears and have pleasant dreams. Nightmares rarely frequent my mind but of late they seem to want to add to my troubled mental state. I already live thru the outlandish annoying depressed thoughts every day but now my one refuge for relaxation seems to have also vanished. First the dreams of me being abducted now my mind apparently wants to kill off my friends. Last night is the most memorable for me because it is still fresh and I actually decided to start writing things down. I only hope that my mom's habit or whatever its called of dreams becoming reality does not visit me and that these are merely expressions of my subconscious trying to tell me something.

I'm sitting at home when I hear my cell phone ring. I look down to see Amanda is calling and find it quite strange but pick up. Her voice is troubled and not that confident cheerfulness that she seems to spew everywhere on her normal days. She states."Sumara somethings happened." I can hear her sobbing on the other line. I am anxious and fearful. "Raynes... dead." she sputters over the phone. I drop the phone and it seems as if her voice is magnified in the room. "I tried to help, I tried to stop them but I couldn't do anything!" she screams. I feel something unexpected. Anger. I feel as if I am changing. I grab the phone and yell back "It's your own damn, fault. You both had options and you made me dead to you." The phone breaks and pieces fly everywhere. I feel so angry I feel like I can set the world on fire. I look at my hands as they begin to elongate and nails sharpen. I'm scared now but I can still feel the anger. I run to the bathroom and watch in horror has my hair grows and grows turning white. I peel at my skin because it itches so much. It comes away in flakes. Underneath is new healthy tan skin. My eyes turn black. My teeth sharpen and grow. I become taller and taller and more toned. I grin back at the mirror no longer afraid and then it bursts and there is nothing but blackness. I wake up feeling like I have been hit by a car and my shoulder stiff with pain and head throbbing. So much for sleeping tonight.

Perhaps it is just stress. I am uncertain but the nightmares of losing loved ones and waking up to new found aches and pains need to stop. Why can't I for once dream of unicorns or something?

Metamorphosis

Not again. Why does this happen to me? I ache so much. This is so typical of me. I should have known that I was worthless to Rayne from the get go. Just like every other male in the universe. I am a waste of woman. The little teasing joke of me buying cat food for my imaginary cats all to soon to be real. The cat lady my only destiny. How many times to have to beg plead to have someone something in this life to love and actually want me. I'm so pitiful. I am trying to change... trying so hard. I crave some sort of feeling beyond lonely so I have taken to running through the woods, screaming my heart to the trees, and yelling at chipmunks. The music of Korn and Slipknot only pushing me to run harder.. to get the ache of soreness in my legs. Pain.. something to feel beyond my emotional anguish. I feel better after I run, I punch, I lift, and I dream by the edge of my silent pond. However, I always have to return to the world where I am not wanted by as much as I hate to say this freaking word.. a mate. I think I just puked a little. I don't have no sad crazy childhood, I have plenty of friends.. but no love even tho I seem to pour my heart to those who never reciprocate. The fates have been trying to tell me something. I see it when I walk and the recent luck that seems to have been granted to me some how. I cannot get over the images I have seen that seem to be telling me something more but what.

The two geese in the woods so obviously mates wandering along the river. A lone goose soon appears. Head low to the ground. A pitiful site to be held by goose standards. He creeps closer to the two head lower showing signs of aggression. The pair pays him no minds until at last he lunges at the pair and they fly away. The lone goose watches and slowly moves to the water edge and sits down with what seemed like pride but some sadness. I see the lone goose almost every time I walk and yell to him I know your anger and sorrow. I feel as if I am the lone goose but my question is.. Is it by my choice or someone elses? I know if I wanted just a physical relationship a rather revolting individual has made many offers but I don't want that. I am tired of being the ugly duckling whom can only attract the most lowly of men. I am this lone goose who hisses at others love because I have been shunned and denied so much to the point I have broken down and given up.

My dreams had been relatively silent as usual and I never take to much meaning to them. I am worried tho. I have had dreams of me being abducted several times. I can never remember much I just know it happened. I always wake up and I am horrified in the middle of the night and I go to make sure I lock my doors. I told my mom who has strange dreams at times that seem to come true on several occasions about my difficulty sleeping and the dreams. She is concerned now as well because my father has also recently had dreams of me being taken. My mother's sleep has grown restless.. I don't know how to take this, literally or metaphorically. I hope metaphorically such as the abduction being a sign of change or being controlled my someone else or forced down a different path.

There is something I don't know about Rayne and Amanda. A secret being held away from me for a reason. Sometimes I wish I was blind like the rest of the world. So I wouldn't have to worry or care. Something is going on with me and something is going on with them. I hate this not knowing and perhaps waiting destruction to strike. Especially when I sense it may be my own, whether that may be personality wise or my entire self. I can already feel the Sumara of the past I buried away trying to surface. She is not so nice and she hates the world and could careless what happens in it. I thought I had buried her in a deep grave but she is fighting to overcome me now....

Truth?

Sigh, o the drama the slip of a tongue and an unthought consequence of actions causes. To think I do not care truly is not to know me. Judgement by words I lead you to believe with out one seeing for their own eyes. To answer the question do I care for anyone but myself? Hmmm would I look the way I do if I did? Would I break down at every potential loss of someone dear to me. Perhaps I just don't trust you because I have always felt as if I am the enemy. As if I am under fire. You admit you can manipulate and control and get what you especially in terms of information why would I have a strong sense of trust when every moment we bicker, banter, and fight over the ideals we differ on.  You think I'm a self-absorbed feminist and I think you are stuck in a traditional judgmental rut. We are like fire and water but instead of making steam we slowly destroy one another. 

Sure we have those bright moments but I always wonder and worry because you lay claim to something that is in fact no ones to own. We are both victims of reactive jealousy (in the context of friendships) deeming each other as threats to someone we hold close when in fact he fails both of us multiple times. Rayne gives me a small comfort I will admit that but I always respect him and his boundaries and rarely instigate behaviors that one would deem intimate. Most times it is mimicry and I follow his lead. We know how confusing this can be. I am not going to give any more excuses for what happened. I personally am not sure why exactly I did what I did. It was an urge inside I can't explain perhaps it is indeed to keep him close or perhaps to warn if it is used as potential bait and lure for power. Perhaps I believe he would not be so power hungry to do that to you. To use you. I don't know why I see such good in him when I have seen the other side and felt its deathly grip. It is foolish and I know I should have given up on him a long time ago but I have always been one for a fools journey no matter the hurt and destruction of my own self and sometimes of others. 

When I think on things I do regret and deep in my gut I know what I did was wrong but the conflict between us and at times what seems like a competition almost has numbed it. If I could go back in time I would slap myself for being stupid especially after we were getting along so well and now it seems I have permanently destroyed any progress. I just need that feeling that this friendship is legit before I commit. That this isn't me just being used to watch Rayne and for one to find out what he is up to. That this isn't a way to keep track of me because I am viewed as threat in some form and the keep your friends close and enemies close mentality isn't at hand. Rarely, do I lack trust and even I am baffled at my distrust. It simply has not happened like this. Perhaps it is because of a rough start my being influnced by others in my thoughts? I cannot give a complete answer but I do believe has a lot to do jealousy. Think what you must I guess. I will disagree to a point. I will admit being a self-centered at times but my life in not in self-absorption by any means. I guess we shall see what lays beyond here.

Whats the point?

Depressed.. lonely.. sheltered.. tired.. weak.. someone kill me please.. it hurts.. lonely forever.. no future.. I want to die.. forget me.......................... wait come back.. love me.. i just need some support.. lie to me and tell me its ok.... give me advice... lie to me.. tell me I am pretty.... hold me.. walk away.. change... hate me... play more mind games.. hurt.. lonely... I dont care anymore.. I can be happy.. I am strong.. Why do you matter.. You dont deserve me... Wait... I love you.. ooh you dont.. I would do anything to make you happy.. wait you wont.. kiss the other in front of me.. kill me with your words and actions.. hate grows.... words spoken not meant to be said... apology.. understanding.. heart still aches.. decision..... to forget and move on.. change myself... die? 

Confusion............

Weakened Armor

Even amongst drunken conversation knowledge is to be held. Rayne can never truly understand the depth of the depression I have just as I can never fully see or hear the delusions or voices he has. Each person's mind is broke in some way. However, the difference is how we cope. Some overcome, other hide it, and some just can't help what is happening to them. I know I can never equate what happens in my mind to anything Rayne feels and even relating it to what he goes through is not fair and for me feels selfish to try and make it seem so horrible but for me what plagues my mind is intolerable.

Hearing others tell you that you are not worth it or reject you hurts. However, when its your own voice that demeans you every second of the day. Doubting who you are. Doubting you will ever be worth anything to anyone. It is maddening. When I am alone it is at its worst. Constant before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning, my only peace is when I fall asleep with tear crusted cheeks. My inner voice whispering: You'll never be loved, you are always the friend. No man can love you, your more manly than a gay man or some straight men and no real men want that. Your 21 and never been kissed or even on a date with a straight man, something is wrong with you.Your to ugly and fat for anyone to love. If it isn't this form of talk its me observing others and their reactions to me. I know I sometimes over analyze things but its hard when you feel like you are the laughing stock of the world.

Rayne wants me to seek help. I know I should because it is so hypocritical of me to speak so highly of others seeking help and to not be scared of it. I am tho. I hate feeling weak. I am not that girly girl who likes to emote her true feeling all over the place. I fear that judgement. I can't afford to pay for this either. I know therapy can be very long term and I will not always have the insurance to help pay for it. The other thing is my family. They joke about mental health all the time and are against medications. I don't think they would understand why I feel the way I feel. Just like at times I do not get it. No one has seen the letters I have written in my "death book", not even Rayne.  I hide my writings usually and this is the most public yet but I know few people even look at this page so it does not concern me as much.

For now I will just wait and see if perhaps I can find my own happiness and find some way to battle my own demons tho I can feel my armor weakening


Just a video I watch when I feel horrible. How Oni makes me smile!

Explanation

Some may be confused about my random previous post. It seems that both people whom I know have blogged about this issue have taken the stance of silence once again to public each for different reasons. One I was watching privately with out her knowledge because I wished to learn more and more about this organization that I spoke of previously and it was kind of a test to a degree. Just to test what I knew of her and what she claimed to be. Wrong perhaps in the eyes of our friendship which I apologize for but with what I know it stands to reason my desire to question what I am being told and what I currently understand.

For those that have no clue what I am speaking of. I will give a general overview of somethings that I have been told by others. This information I was told affects the lives of two close individuals of mine and I am very confused about the situation. I am hesitant to write about it on here but honestly it just another test that must be done. I am finally realizing I cannot believe without question anymore as much as I would like to because there are so many alternate options. Rayne, whom I have spoke of before, is the one who brought me into this circle of confusion, starting with his letters and journals he had written and slowly leaking me more information about his former life. What I am about to say was told to me in the affect that it is extremely dangerous knowledge.

For most of us we assume our government is well not the most honest people in the books but we still trust them as a society to do what is right. According to Rayne and my other cohort whom I will call Amanda, there is a secret organization that was created by the U.S. under the Bush presidency after 9-11. This organization operated secretly and terminated those who were deemed threats and I am sure they did other secret gov stuff as well. I am not certain of a lot of things so these are all generalized statements just to remind you dear readers and some of this may need to be revised if I am incorrect or leading on to much.

My friends claim to have been involved with this organization in there high school years and later. Rayne has the most incredible stories. Amanda I have not been able to speak with much about these situations because I know she does not wish me to understand anything further of this. These claims are extraordinary and in my previous blog I have spoken of my doubts and theories and what evidence I do have to support their claims.

One day I hope I will know the truth and understand it instead of tossing all this in my head everyday. Wishing I could dive deeper into the stories and meet the others Rayne and Amanda claim to know that are involved and learn more about them. I however, respect Rayne enough not to pry to much and will not do so unless he wishes. He is my best friend and this story, reality, whatever it is; it is not worth losing his friendship.