The Knight Lies

Its not you Its me
I just don't like you that way
Can't we just be friends
I'm not into girls like you
Your like a sister

So many ways to let someone down. It hurts to be pushed away and never given a chance. You love them but they do not love you back or at least not in the way you want them to. It is mind numbing and painful not to be wanted, not to be desired especially by those whom we admire the deepest. You crave to just be given the chance to show them that perhaps you are their soul mate but they push you away. Most are kind enough to use the above statements but hidden beneath them the truth of what they are really saying is hidden. They know not to say you are just not attractive to them and to shove the blame or potential somewhere else. There is always someone else that you can have or someone else that you deserve. They always say there is some sort of knight in shining armor waiting for you but they are just not it. So I am not worth the try is what you are saying? I am not good enough for you but someone else out there is willing to take what you deemed not worthy? They try and calm your tears just so they will not have to feel your anger at the truth behind your words. Sure, in some situations those words are true and perhaps it is at risk of loosing a great friendship but it does not stop the ache. So you give up and hope to find someone new. Someone who is not so shallow but what happens when that journey seems to never end? No one gives you a chance and they all shove you aside, then what? You find yourself thinking of the ones you almost had and the ones you never will. You find yourself lost in emotion and loneliness. It slowly turns to despair. Perhaps the taste of alcohol or drugs seems to fill that abyss that you now have for a heart. It seems there is no light even when you are surrounded by friends who try to push you in the right direction but it always leads to another loss, another name added to the list of people to whom you are not worthy. So then when you are lost and alone you keep hold to those words that those who have shoved you away. There is someone for everyone..... just not you, the words are a treacherous cycle that slowly consumes you. Soon everyone leaves because they do not want to be taken down with you and they have their own loves to worry about. What are you left with... the memories of every denial, the failure of your attempts, and the shattered dreams. Yet, you hold on because even tho the darkness has consumed you there is still a tiny spark of hope that you hold on to. Perhaps a friend or family member has decided to still stand by you and try and battle your inner demons. Will they help find the light? For my sake I hope so.

Love?

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.

a love affair;  an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.

sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.

( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.

affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.

strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.

the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.

the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.

Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.

14.

a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

These are all definitions of one word that seems to consume most of our human lives. We strive to seek it in another and desire to be loved back. What really makes us strive for this concept? Hormones? Genetics? Human nature? Why do we strive to have a strong fulfilling relationship with another? This questions go through my mind a lot. It puzzles me as to why this feeling and emotion exists and can we really survive mentally and physically without it. Why do we feel lonely, when there are others around us? Why do we make ourselves go through this process?

Without love there would be nothing left but the urge to procreate just to continue the human race. Love separates us from animals in some sense even though some people may believe that animals to are capable of love. I think they are but not to the degree humans are capable of. 

I myself often wonder if I really need love. I am speaking of romantic love not the love you experience for family and friends. Do I honestly need this feeling to feel complete and happy in life? I am not sure, it seems I have done well without it so far. I have never truly romanticly loved anyone and I am still breathing and moving on in my life and attempt to succeed but in the end will I feel complete without it or is just society telling me I am wrong because I have never experienced this?

Emotions-Apologies- Gifts- Acceptance

After reading my previous post I feel slightly worried about myself. Some of the things I said contradict my open minded notion of accepting other ideas whole-heartedly but even my mind swings shut in periods of extreme emotion. I need to work on how they affect me so much because they really do blind my judgement at times. The people or should I say person I was describing mostly in my previous post lets just say brought me to a very very angry will you just listen my way or the highway I am woman hear me roar kinda point which happens occasionally. So to set things straight no I do not hate them, yes I will continue to listen to their opinions because I would other wise contradict myself, and yes I am truly an occasional doormat but not always. I will stand up for whom I care deeply about and can be passionate in things when I want to be. Ok.. enough about this on to the other subject at hand.

Gifts.. Items given to express so many different things. A lot of times you can tell how much you mean to a person just by looking at what they give but of course there are those people out there who are just horrible gift givers and lack any taste at all and the theory of it's the thought that counts really applies to. There are also those who hate receiving gifts because they either feel in debt to that person or do not feel worth the thought that taken to give them things. These people puzzle me. At our human core we cannot help but to desire or wish for things. What easier way to better get that by through gifts. Do they not see the joy it does bring some people to give them a gift. I love seeing their eyes light up, a smile cross their face, and just the variety of emotions to watch and analyze. Then there are those who give gifts all the time. They buy things for you randomly and expect nothing in return or do not want you to give them anything back. It is admirable to be selfless like that and not require repayment but when someone is willing to gift them back and they push it away it is often so discouraging. I just want to yell I bought this for you because you are amazing and you have helped me out so much will you please just accept it! Then they begrudgingly do but its not to long before they run off and get you something else. I personally have a problem when people other than relatives spend large sums of money on me. If you spend twenty bucks on me I am a happy camper but when you are will just to whip out sixty to eighty dollars for a gift then it is very very hard for me to accept. I am a person who feels that I must pay you back in some form and with such a large amount of money it makes it difficult for me to do things. I hate that feeling that I am not able to completely show how much they mean to me because of my current limited income. I guess money should not mean everything but that is so hard to see in a society run on greed.

Annoyance

I find myself a very tenderhearted person. Somedays my patience astounds me. I am not sure how I manage to sit there and listen to mostly mind numbing conversation that is currently coming at me from the person who I do not hate but can only stand in short bursts. I swear it is like having a conversation with the combination of the energizer bunny and a rock. It keeps going on and on but it really isn't saying anything.

Can I come visit!? What are you doing!? Can I borrow some money?! My mom and my sister did this ya da ya da.. I babysat this one kid and its their birthday is that not the most amazing thing!  Ooo look a bug crawling across my face into my nasal cavity!.. It tickles.. hehehe.. WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP! Well at least that is what I am saying on the inside but I can never put that out there. I hate seeing people hurt, even people whom I know hate me and who have betrayed me in multiple ways I find it hard to just tell them to, putting this as nicely as I can, Go to Hell.

I always find some trait some emotion something that just keeps me attached to them and enables me to continue my relations. I swear I could find a good quality even in the worst of people. I bet if Hitler stood right in front of me and I knew nothing of the horrors he was going to create and I talked with him I would find something that intrigued me enough to maintain a relationship with him. Horrible example I know, apologies to anyone I offended but he is the first example that popped in my head. Being brash and upfront with my distaste is just not what I do. I will nicely put every one of my words and beat around the bush hoping you get the hint. Sometimes I will put on a lovely mask of happiness and understanding just so I can get out of the current situation without a fight in hopes that I will not have to see that individual for a long long time. Spineless, I know but that is how I have managed to keep so many relations alive even though I wish a few would just disappear. I have had so few open, I will tell you what I really think relations.. Ok.. maybe one or two but that is only because those individuals have a tendency to be straight forward and expect the same. Good medicine for me I guess. Perhaps I will eventually find that spine I am missing at times and pick myself up from being the lovely doormat you step on occasionally.

A Photo Is A Look Into One's Soul

I am  at a loss as what to write about this evening. So I will cheat a little and post some photos that I think are very captivating and have meaning to me personally. None of these are my creations as much as I would love for them to be. Perhaps in the future I will post some of my work on here but until then, enjoy.

http://deeevilish.deviantart.com/art/let-s-dream-again-152673779

http://kil1k.deviantart.com/art/Source-12130654

http://pretty-as-a-picture.deviantart.com/art/they-get-to-you-98840367

http://saturdayx.deviantart.com/art/it-hurts-you-but-you-love-it-45522219

http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/conceptual/?order=9&offset=24#/d2pn48p

WoMan

Jeffree Star

A memory crossed my mind tonight while watching Faceoff. It was amazing how people could be transformed into such works of art. A rather fascinating show for anyone who is interested in the movie industry and its special effects. Anyways, the memory that crossed my mind is of a close friend of mine, Jeremy. I grew to love him but there was one problem he was gay and is currently on his way to possibly being transgender. It was amazing the transformation I saw after the months he came out to me and his friends. It was subtle but slowly he became even more girly than me. He would strut in high heels and work tight fitting dresses. His eyeliner was so perfect all the girls envied him. How could I fall for such a creature? Perhaps it was all that blush or that ever increasing confidence? Maybe deep inside I had an inner lesbian that was crying to come out? Who knows, it still baffles me. The memory in particular of this gorgeous individual was a few years ago at my college. I was at a neighboring dorm visiting with him and some friends. A pillow fight ensued and it resulted in me tipping and clumsy falling into his lap. Head first into an area only men where allowed to venture. I pulled away apologizing thinking it quite funny at the time until he grabs my head and looks me in the eyes and asks something I had never thought he would ask. Would you change into a man for me, why can't you just have a dick? I did not know how to answer, I had never thought of such a thing and now I am still wondering as to why this question puzzles me so much. Would I honestly be willing to change a physical aspect of myself, such as whether or not I have a dick? I do not think I would. I think if you honestly love someone you should be able to look beyond that aspect of them and not ask them to change. It hurts knowing that this was the only thing keeping me from being able to date someone like him. A simple body part and he wanted me to change from what I was just to satisfy him because my current self could not but yet he tells me he loves me. I think people can do whatever they want with their bodies. If you are a man and you want boobs go for it, If you a girl and you decide you do not want your breasts go for it. If that is what will make you feel complete and happy the more power to you. All I ask is this do not ask others to change their physical anatomy for your own gain. Instead how about you actually go for the people who do have that set of anatomical traits you desire. Jeremy and I are still very compatabile but I finally realized we are just friends. He has never asked me another question like this and seems to have moved on well in his life but deep inside I will always love my sweet transvestite.

A Tiny Look Inside

ALONE

by ~Mushi-No-Iki

No one can see the pain that we hide,
They're happy for us to keep it inside,
Our fear is our own; they don't want to know,
Why should we involve them; why should it show.

You live your whole life in confusion and fear,
The need to feel something unbearably near,
Half of you living, Half of you gone,
And inside you know what your doing is wrong.

The thing's that can help, the thing's that may heal,
Are the flame or the blade and the sting of the steel,
The destruction of skin means the death of your soul,
But there's nowhere to run when your living alone.

Curious  how the words of another can describe so many. We all feel alone at times but how many of  us truly move on? Does the feeling of pain truly provide us with comfort.. I'll admit at times I am curious about this concept and have experimented. I see why it is such a strong pull on so many. A break from the same feeling that you feel everyday. It is a sickness that consumes one's mind and body, the craving for steel against ones flesh. Then when I think about it am I really feeling anything different? It truly is just another form of pain that is similar to the pain of loneliness but only in a physical nature. Perhaps this is just a call for attention and a need for someone to see that there are those of us who need and desire help but do not know how to express it? All I know is I do not want to go back to that darkness of blood and tears that are of my own creation. .

One

Isn't it amusing how just one thing can ruin your whole day? It can be as simple as a word or a reaction. You can be standing there thinking everything is fine until you see or feel that one thing that just makes you want to scream. Words are just as powerful as actions and can be felt in similar ways. For example, when I am called immature.

I am sorry my humor does not amuse you. I do not see how you can sit here and tell me what I do or say is immature. Who made you my judge? I thought God was the only judge I really needed? Yet you say that one word that just gets me to my core. Go ahead and disagree with what I say. Heck, tell me that what I said was very unwelcomed and not funny to you at all but you resort to immaturity when there is no way to prove what it is beyond the social norms our society lays down for us.

Another example, comforting someone and they pull away without a word or glance and it is almost as if they are repulsed by you and they deny deny deny what you just witnessed. When I hug you, it means I care. When I grab your hand, I want you to realize you are not alone. Is caring about you really so bad as you shove me away? Can you not just be happy that someone loves you? I was always taught love was a good thing but yet you toss it around as if what I am trying to convey to you is worthless?

I guess what I am trying to get at is that I want people to think for once about how they are being perceived and maybe try and communicate a little better and not just push people away. The smallest things can make the greatest of differences!

Who?

Who am I? Well why do you want to know? What is it that makes you want to know me? Am I pretty enough for you to talk to? Is there some physical feature that you wish to acquire? Perhaps my hip to waist ratio is in your right category? 

Males.. thinking women are just things to capture and to prize due to their desire to simply pass on their genetic gravy. Do they really want to know me for my personality? I have not met many men who do. Those whom I have found that desire my personality and my companionship turn out to be gay men. Oh how I love them. To bad gay men are not actually the straight ones. Perhaps the straight men can put away their testicular pride for a few seconds and look at how real men should act. I am not suggesting that men go out and act like the stereotypical gay man. I would just like it for once you use a little tact when approaching a female. Maybe actually want to be her friend and discover things about each other and build trust before whipping out the sexual warfare that you declare on us in a desperate attempt to get some action. Of course, my desires are probably unrealistic. Men cannot seem to help themselves and the ones that can are often looked down upon or do not have enough courage to put themselves out there for women to truly appreciate.