Care

Do you care?... I'll take your silence as a no. I am alone in this and my mind is slipping. I layout a path of silent clues about hidden truths but no one seems to try to understand. Why would they? It does not involve them so they continue on with life happy and sublime while I sit here wasting this life I am given. For once someone please open your eyes open your ears and your hearts most of all. See that I am falling apart even as I try and fix you all. Tell me your problems. Feed me your pain. I will turn it all into my own giving me purpose and giving me a reason to remain sane. Whisper your secrets that you cannot share, I'll listen I'll care but turn your back when I need just a hug. Someone, anyone to make me feel like I am loved. Just walk away as you always do and say you do not understand. Just give me a knife, a bottle of pills, or maybe some rope. Then I'll take this pain into my own hands.

Self-Hate

I feel so insignificant at times in this world. Everyone seems to have some sort of purpose or something that drives them yet I feel lost.. worthless. People no longer seem to care about my ideas or what I say. They just push me away thinking that I am not on the brink of my own destruction. Some days I want to prove them all wrong and be like see I did need help. See I really did feel this way. Yet the people whom matter to me the most seem to have me at a different level at which I have them. I would do anything they ask and would risk and am currently risking so much to help them. I often wonder what I am worth to them? Would they return the favor? Would they cry if I was gone? Would they do everything they could to understand what happened to me and why it happened? Or would they cry and move on and forget? Would I become just another memory that just pops up occasionally or would I haunt their mind. If I lost them I know I would loose part of my soul. I am an emotional slave after all. Caring often when caring is not needed.

People tell me to move on and to worry about myself. I honestly do try but I look in the mirror and see so much hate for myself. I cannot seem to break the feelings and voice in the back of my head whispering to me, your not worth it, no one wants you, your a freak, genetic waste, you cannot be loved, your to fat, they are all just using you, and so many more cruel things that appear from my head. I try and do battle with them often. I wear my makeup. I feed off the comments of support.  I tell myself I am worth it. Then the cycle begins again as it seems every available straight male just passes over me and goes directly to my friends. It hurts to be the last one they talk to. The last one they even look at or think to introduce themselves to. Once they do they just look away and concentrate on wooing my friends and I sit there and try and join in the conversation and they just stare at me as if I just need to shut up. So I stand there watching my friend socialize and laugh. Watching them gather numbers as if it is money as I grab another drink to swallow down my tears. My friends then giggle all the way home about meeting their future prince charming and how amazing they were as I sit there in silence with the only accomplishment of the night being I consumed the most drinks in such little time. Occasionally a straggler will attempt to make a move on me but even I am not so desperate to accept his offer. They often are such low quality I do pity them but pity is not enough for me to move on into a relationship where I knew I would be unhappy. They are often rude, uneducated, and only after one thing. I am not into any of that and miraculously still take some pride as to whom I consider acceptable. This is slowly diminishing with time tho. I know I eventually will give in and just blame it all on evolution and that my genes are not worth crap to the genetic superiors. I am often very negative about this whole genetic factor of attraction thing but I know that does sway us in many ways. If it didn't I would have already went out with some fairly scary individuals just to fill the void that seems to grow daily. Even the most open minded people have standards and degrees to which they accept things I guess.

Lost

Can you find me? Do you even care? I am right in front of you screaming. Yet you do not let out a single tear. I feel invisible as you walk past me eyes glazed in your societal medicated trance. I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. Yet I care about you anyways. All I ever wanted was one chance for you to see that I am worth it even though you claim I do not have what you need. Isn't caring enough? Isn't what I feel enough? Yet you continue on as a lonely desperate zombie craving for the flesh of those whom care less about you. Those who will never see behind the monster you believe you are. Those who will never see the good I see in you. So I waste my tears and my life on a broken soul whom I can never have or never hold.


So leave me in this wasteland of the lonely and damned. Just leave me here as my body will slowly begins to join the sand. I will drift and be forgotten. A relic of your past that never could move on.

Just another fleeting memory.

Bleak

O how rather depressing an individual I can be. It seems all I do is complain about life's failures and my inability to be perfect. I try my best to smile and be happy with who I am and which what I have been given. Yet I put a role of miserability and at times I feel like I bring others with me so up go the walls and a smile is painted on my face. I am trying my best to change this habit. To be happy. To have hope. To believe that this is how things are meant to be and that this is all worth it. Challenge after challenge and change after change hits me and I have trouble adjusting and often make myself lost in my own little world wondering if the Cheshire cat is going to be the next thing to pop up out of no where. I wage a battle everyday telling myself not to be foolish and to see what I all have and I can feel the tingling joy inside. I can feel the confidence build but then it is all shot down within minutes by such a simple event. Then I find something that I invest myself in. Often times this is an individual who seems to need some sort of assistance. I pour my soul into them trying to brighten their lives hoping that they can do the same in return. This strategy fails many times. I can never make their darkness leave completely and my own dark cloud swarms into my heart soon after.  Then often times they push away or I some how manage to distance myself and I feel foolish about what I have done feeling like I have wasted so much and gain so little. I need to learn to be self-sustaining and to be comfortable alone but it hard when your one desire in life is to be loved by so many. All I can do is say no to the suicidal thoughts, no to the alcohol, and no to the labels and try and find a new happy me.

Subtle

How amusing it is to try and lead people to conclusions with little hints. You watch them squirm with anticipation and then bam they get it. It is like a cruel game. Other times tho it seems that the person is so blind as to what is truly happening. Are they completely unaware of the messages I am sending out? Sure I will admit that I can put up a very good mask as to what I truly feel and give of vibes of content but seriously is it that good that no one can really see what my heart is like at times. Every action put forth by an individual has meaning! Whether or not we consciously notice it is the issue. Even the slightest action, the usage of word, or the slightest glance can have the deepest meaning. Why is it so many of fail to try and interpret it and question, well why did they do this and why did they say this, what about the tone they use. I am not a great reader of people, I can often tell their distress and see thru the wall they put up to hide it but as much as judgement of character I have issues with being to open. I know of one person tho who I swear looks at you and bam they have a fairly consistent view of who you are and so far has been only wrong a few times. I would save myself some grief if I had that ability. I just wish sometimes that someone would try and see the hints I drop and the actions I take. See what my eyes are really hiding as I smile at you. I am a chameleon. I can be who ever you want me to be. I often do that with friends. I mold myself to be whomever they need at the moment even if that puts me in a poor situation. I blend in and try and make things seem right even tho I know that I myself have many inner demons that need to be taken care of. It just surprises me as to how many aspects of myself I have created. As a youngster- friendly and outgoing. Elementary school- withdrawn and sad. Middle thru High School- Angry, violent, withdrawn, random, manipulative Current-? I just do not know who I am any more. I am each a piece of the person around me.. a Frankenstein monster of friendships and tears.

Men ugh

I swear I do not understand them. I am not your bro do not sit there and talk like women are a piece of meat that you can use and throw away. This is exactly the reason I seem to be drawn toward gays! They make you feel amazing and actually care about your thoughts because they are not distracted about whats between your legs and slapped on your chest.. Sorry, all this is built up anger from an internet conversation I had. I did not make clear my aggrevation but continued on with the conversation to further observe the behavior I despise so greatly.  Here is the following conversation.

y gotz any single lady friends? :P

Report · 2:05am

ummmmmmmmmmmm............ lol well most are bisexual cept for one but trust me u aint interested in that

Report · 2:05am

its bi curious

n y not?

ya gotz to show me pics now

Report · 2:07am

well the one girl i know  is a a legal midgit.. The other girls I know are well lets just say  are major sluts and probably have stds and have kids lol but heck they are single... ummm lets just say most of my friends are not from college they are from the wrong side of the tracks lol.. Cept one girl is really nice but she prefers women to men

 

Report · 2:09am

bring em all!

ill take em

n i got condoms!

ill take em all on!

Report · 2:09am

omg

Report · 2:09am

all at once!

Report · 2:10am

trust me ik the one has sumtin wrong.. the dude went down on her and says it smells like seaworld

Report · 2:10am

lmao. funny thing just hapened

well i aint goin down on anyone

unless i got like a beer to wash my mouth out

but still no

but funny thing

last weekend i was tellin (M) that it would be fun n funny to f*ck a midget

just sit her on there n spin her

it would be funny as f*ck if ur midget friend came

 ill just tell her to suck my d*ck cuz shes low enough

n plus her little hands will make my c*ck look huge!

lmfao!

Report · 2:12am

............ 0_0........

Report · 2:12am

lmfao

u know u got a laugh outa that

for the love of god n our friendship invite her n put a good word in for me

lmao

Really.... is this how all straight men behave? This individual continued on and even was daring enough to imply that I myself perhaps could have taken to the slutty side and  stated other less then welcoming comments. Sigh... Why cant gay men be the straight ones even it was just for one day..

Existence

Now everybody lets sing the doom song! doom doom doom doomie doom doom doom doomie doom! Sorry for that Invader Zim cartoon stuck in my head from the other evening. Hmmm lately the world seems to be obsessed with aliens. Perhaps I am the only one that has noticed around me currently. Sure I follow the blogs and read about the subject occasionally because heck it is fun and scary to think we are not the only ones out there. It just seems to me that the consistent bombardment with alien movies, TV shows, and even a few commercials come to mind, seems to be sign for something more. Perhaps there is more to this then we realize. I may be wrong especially since Americans are often so easily swayed into believing almost anything and creating mass fads of hysteria for a certain person or concept. Twilight and vampires being a good example. Maybe aliens is just the next fad but I highly doubt I will be seeing teenage girls running to get autographs from their favorite alien voice overs or see them putting up posters of aliens on their wall. That's one sexy Grey you got on your wall lets beg for an anal probe yay! lol sorry poor poke at humor there. From what I understand from the reading I have done there are three forms of alien life that have been known to have visited and or are currently residing on this planet. Grays, reptilians, and humanoids.. Grays just plain creep me out from what I have read and I do not understand people's love of them. The reptilian forms seem to be more ancient and less known from what I gather. I guess I would hide to if I had some sort of crazy lizard head thingy. Then the humanoids which both fascinate and scare me at the same time. I of course am no expert on the topic and truly do not go to far into these things. It is just morbid curiosity. So I guess we will have to wait and see what the true meaning behind the recent increase of alien interest and movies will be.

Hurt

Hurt Me

 

by ~fungusamongme

Hurt me and I'll cry,
Hurt me and I'll bleed,
Hurt me and I'll die,
Hurt me, you will see.

Hurt me, I can't sleep,
Hurt me, I can't eat,
Hurt me, I can't concentrate,
Hurt me, I can't retreat.

Hurt me, I won't hurt back,
Hurt me, I won't leave,
Hurt me, I'll love you still,
Hurt me, I'll still believe.

Hurt me, I'll say "sorry,"
Hurt me, I'll take it on me,
Hurt me 'cause I'm used to it,
Hurt me! Hurt me! Please!

Hurt me and I'm yours,
Hurt me just once more,
Hurt me so much that,
I can't hurt anymore...

One can hurt someone in so many ways. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes all three. Some of us move on and live and forgive and forget and there are those who stand and fight back. We hurt as others hurt us back. Sometimes we are not even aware of the hurt happening or push it away because we do not want to recognize what we have become.  We are our monsters destroying ourselves and others slowly. I let people hurt me. It seems sometimes I enjoy the pain. I care to much about them and forget about myself. Even as they seem to be grasping the life from me I still find myself crying for their soul. I want them to so bad see what they are doing and that I love them even if they seem hell bent on destroying me at times. They may treat me like I do not exist or that am I not human. I do have a heart, take your hand feel it beat. I do feel pain, watch my tears stream down my face. For once try and feel the emotion in the actions I take as I hug you trying to smooth away the fears. I forgive you even tho everything inside is telling me not to. I know the actions you took we not your fault but understand I do feel fear and I do not want to fear you. Hurt is something that is just so hard to forget remember that.