Self-Hate

I feel so insignificant at times in this world. Everyone seems to have some sort of purpose or something that drives them yet I feel lost.. worthless. People no longer seem to care about my ideas or what I say. They just push me away thinking that I am not on the brink of my own destruction. Some days I want to prove them all wrong and be like see I did need help. See I really did feel this way. Yet the people whom matter to me the most seem to have me at a different level at which I have them. I would do anything they ask and would risk and am currently risking so much to help them. I often wonder what I am worth to them? Would they return the favor? Would they cry if I was gone? Would they do everything they could to understand what happened to me and why it happened? Or would they cry and move on and forget? Would I become just another memory that just pops up occasionally or would I haunt their mind. If I lost them I know I would loose part of my soul. I am an emotional slave after all. Caring often when caring is not needed.

People tell me to move on and to worry about myself. I honestly do try but I look in the mirror and see so much hate for myself. I cannot seem to break the feelings and voice in the back of my head whispering to me, your not worth it, no one wants you, your a freak, genetic waste, you cannot be loved, your to fat, they are all just using you, and so many more cruel things that appear from my head. I try and do battle with them often. I wear my makeup. I feed off the comments of support.  I tell myself I am worth it. Then the cycle begins again as it seems every available straight male just passes over me and goes directly to my friends. It hurts to be the last one they talk to. The last one they even look at or think to introduce themselves to. Once they do they just look away and concentrate on wooing my friends and I sit there and try and join in the conversation and they just stare at me as if I just need to shut up. So I stand there watching my friend socialize and laugh. Watching them gather numbers as if it is money as I grab another drink to swallow down my tears. My friends then giggle all the way home about meeting their future prince charming and how amazing they were as I sit there in silence with the only accomplishment of the night being I consumed the most drinks in such little time. Occasionally a straggler will attempt to make a move on me but even I am not so desperate to accept his offer. They often are such low quality I do pity them but pity is not enough for me to move on into a relationship where I knew I would be unhappy. They are often rude, uneducated, and only after one thing. I am not into any of that and miraculously still take some pride as to whom I consider acceptable. This is slowly diminishing with time tho. I know I eventually will give in and just blame it all on evolution and that my genes are not worth crap to the genetic superiors. I am often very negative about this whole genetic factor of attraction thing but I know that does sway us in many ways. If it didn't I would have already went out with some fairly scary individuals just to fill the void that seems to grow daily. Even the most open minded people have standards and degrees to which they accept things I guess.