Bleak

O how rather depressing an individual I can be. It seems all I do is complain about life's failures and my inability to be perfect. I try my best to smile and be happy with who I am and which what I have been given. Yet I put a role of miserability and at times I feel like I bring others with me so up go the walls and a smile is painted on my face. I am trying my best to change this habit. To be happy. To have hope. To believe that this is how things are meant to be and that this is all worth it. Challenge after challenge and change after change hits me and I have trouble adjusting and often make myself lost in my own little world wondering if the Cheshire cat is going to be the next thing to pop up out of no where. I wage a battle everyday telling myself not to be foolish and to see what I all have and I can feel the tingling joy inside. I can feel the confidence build but then it is all shot down within minutes by such a simple event. Then I find something that I invest myself in. Often times this is an individual who seems to need some sort of assistance. I pour my soul into them trying to brighten their lives hoping that they can do the same in return. This strategy fails many times. I can never make their darkness leave completely and my own dark cloud swarms into my heart soon after.  Then often times they push away or I some how manage to distance myself and I feel foolish about what I have done feeling like I have wasted so much and gain so little. I need to learn to be self-sustaining and to be comfortable alone but it hard when your one desire in life is to be loved by so many. All I can do is say no to the suicidal thoughts, no to the alcohol, and no to the labels and try and find a new happy me.