Useless Once Again

Replacement in full swing as your mouth whispers your secrets. I thought I was the one you trusted but I guess that was wishful thinking. Hurt once again as I see you leaving for your concrete jungle. Left behind only to be alone. What demise do you suggest for me? Insanity? My own knife? Drowning in my tears? All sound like peace anymore. So now I see the truth in those words you whispered to me not so long ago. You will not wait for me like you said. You will move on and forget like I always knew you would. You will no longer need me to go with you because you only need one to continue on your quest and I guess I am just not it. So go.. endanger the uneducated one who claims they know so well of you when they have only seen a tip of the ice berg. Lead her as you lead me so when I return I will be useless once again.

Deafening Silence

Your silence is deafening,
more traumatic than any storm. 
I just want to understand you,
because you never could.
Don't you see that I care about you,
I always told you I would.
Now I'm in a similar darkness,
without the madness that is now reality.
I hear my own voice condemning and pushing,
just make myself yet another fatality.

Let me in once again,
clean your wounds if you will let me.
Help make this darkness end,
perhaps we can both be happy

Rawr

Just so frustrated with things right now. It seems I am failing at everything and I cannot do nothing right. I do not know what to do in my life anymore. College is pissing me off.. I feel like dropping out at time but I feel like I would just crush a lot of dreams that way. All I do is worry about everyone else. It is screwing up my life but I feel so lonely without having to worry about someone or something. My family has taken the news of my grades a lot better than expected but they are not happy at all. They have their suspicions as to why I failed and blame it on me and my friends to a degree. Accusing them of things that they cannot help and that my family does not know much about. They do not know my friends like I do and yes I know sometimes.. ok a lot of times I am taken advantage of financially. It my fault also tho because I have the capability to say no but I hate to disappoint people.

My mom has been after me again about the whole having gay friends thing. " If you ever want a straight man you have to get out of the bars and stay away from all those gays"" It makes you look gay when you hang out with them all the time".. Sigh I can see the disappointment in my mom's eyes at the fact that I do not nor have ever had a boy friend only gay friends. She has no idea how much it hurts when she pressures me like that. I want a guy to but seriously pushing me isn't going to help. I wish she could see how lonely I feel and understand that it is hard for me to approach or even relate to a lot of guys it seems. I don't want to be alone. It's not my choice to be single. I just cant help the only thing I seem to attract are gay men and married old farts. I love my gays very much so if I do I ever get a guy which the likely hood of occurring declines everyday  they will have to freaking live with it because my friends comes first.

I know your lonely

I know your lonely... those four words reverberating in my mind. How can you have read me so well when everyday I make myself about everyone else. Sigh my friend you are going to be great at your career is all I can say. Year after year neither I nor anyone has said those words until to recently. Leaving with the truth I hide from myself. Yes, I am very lonely. Sure I have friends and family but ultimately I just want someone to love and be loved back for once. Someone to return my hugs with equal warmth and strive to want to see me instead of a dominantly one sided relationship at times. The hugs and subtle physical touches do help qwell my demands for partnership to a degree but ultimately I go home to a home or room that is empty besides my family and I curl up at night wishing for the warmth of someone beside me even if it is just a friendly one.

You stick beside these guys you like so much even when they are not interested in you because you hope they will see in the end what you have all done for them and that you were the one always there for them in their times of need. Sigh, once again my friend is remarkably good. Yes, I do this very often I know this but it gives me some sort of joy and something to put effort into and gets other darker thoughts off my mind worrying about others. I am only human and crave what I cannot have due to this gotta have it now mentality that we have been raised in.

Seems my friend is able to find a lot of the missing pieces that I have hidden but she will never ultimately understand the depth of what I have on my mind. The confusion, the emptyness, the dreams, and so much more.

Get outta my head

Lately songs have been stuck in my head relentlessly so I decided to take the parts that seem to repeat over and over again and put them together into one mess of a song like thing lol. I know its not very good but it gave me some amusement  and let me reflect a little as to why I love these songs so much.

They say, be afraid
You're not like the others
Futuristic lover
So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know. 

 Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
My heart is just too dark to care.

Who do you think you are?
Different DNA 

You open my eyes
My smile was taken long ago
And I'm ready to go
Lead me into the light 

And that's all the time that ittakes 
Deliver me into my fate
So give me a sign

From the ice inside your soul
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain

I don't deserve to have you...

Home

Home again and it feels so strange. It is nice seeing and being with the family but after a while I just want to be alone. I know they are very supportive and everything but sometimes I wish I was on my own. That would mean however that I would need to become financially independent of them because I know that if I try and move out they will drop their support of me in many areas because they believe if I think I can play house I can pay for everything else. Sure this is true I am officially an adult and I should be less reliant on them. They however have such an emotional pull on me. They guilt trip me and use my emotions against me and I often will make decisions based on them. I love the support of my family but I wish I had a little more independence at times.

Another thing that is weird being around now is old friends and people I know. It just does not feel the same. They are stuck on their extremely small town ideals and look at me like I am a freak when I speak of things that I now enjoy and have experienced. They act so conservative it is ridiculous. Which leaves me craving for some sort of culture beyond country music and all the yee haw lifestyle. Even though I crave culture the places I would have to go to achieve that scares me a little. I am not partial to city life and I am of course socially awkward. It takes me forever to adapt and if I am alone in a new area even longer. All my new friends have dreams of the city and living there. I think I would like the lifestyle, diversity, and culture but all those people and crime in one area bugs me. I wish sometimes I would just take a chance without having regrets and worries seething from my brain.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I miss you already. You have made this world so much more than what it seems. Some days I feel like I am stuck in a dream. Just waiting to wake up and realize you are not there. Only a figment of my imagination, seeing the reality that I am the mad one. Yet it continues on adding memory after memory, even if you forget I will always remember for you. Our first meeting to our recent departure, each an important detail in my life catalogued away for future laughs and smiles. Of course, we have had our bad moments. Issues that have been resolved for the most part, even if one bad memory still lingers from time to time I still manage to see the good in you. No matter your dark history and your current resistance to allowing me to try and help, I still have remained. Even when at times it has brought me to tears that you seem to not be able to understand. I have weakness I know that but we all do and mine it my emotion at times but I love to feel even if it is sadness and numbness. You are probably thinking I am crying right now and sorry you are wrong once again lol. I love how at times you can read me like an open book but other days a blind man could see me better.

Be strong. I know you are. I know you have dark thoughts to even tho you will not elaborate them to me anymore. I hope.. and yes for once I pray for you not do anything foolish on those days you feel pointless or lost. I cannot imagine what I would do if something ever did happen your doing or anothers. Just know that I love you even if you do not want it. It is there for you when or if you even need it and that is all I can offer as a friend. I do not know what you think of me. I see hesitation in you and sometimes downright awkwardness or what seems like you wish I would just give up and disappear. You always however seem to some how remove that doubt in the end. We both know how I tend to exaggerate at times.

Please be safe and know that even if you feel alone in this world I still care,

Unclouded

Treat You Like A Princess

Hmmm thinking once again how it leads me to trouble. Over thought thoughts that plague my mind crawling to get out and once they do they are only thrown into my face as over-exaggerations of a depressed soul. So what I freak out over little things sometimes. Maybe its just the fact I love to argue and most of the time it is just play. It's hard for me to just let go sometimes. I can't help that I feel like if I mess up that my life is ruined. It is like walking on a tight rope and not knowing if there is a safety net below. If I fall I hope something is there to catch me and so far it has but occasionally it hasn't and has led to a few broken memories. I seem to live to be perfect even tho my life is far from it. I try and try and only am let down and causing myself more pain. I just do not get it. Then of course when trying to walk my fine line I try and gather others to help guide me or others to fix. Most of the time it is to fix people. I never can. I try and try but I fail. I care to freaking much to do me any good and once again I get hurt... I know what my problem is, I care to much about everyone and could care less what happens to me. I have yet to find a way to fix it. I have been working on it but I always get shot down. I try and focus on the positives someone told me about myself beings I could not think of any but they fly out the window. Even tho the one statement I was told made me giggle. "One day you will find someone and they are gunna treat you like a princess because of that big heart of yours". I cannot find myself believing that and further more I am not a princess nor should I be treated as such. Just treated as an equal or as someone who is worth the world to another person would be nice.