Home again and it feels so strange. It is nice seeing and being with the family but after a while I just want to be alone. I know they are very supportive and everything but sometimes I wish I was on my own. That would mean however that I would need to become financially independent of them because I know that if I try and move out they will drop their support of me in many areas because they believe if I think I can play house I can pay for everything else. Sure this is true I am officially an adult and I should be less reliant on them. They however have such an emotional pull on me. They guilt trip me and use my emotions against me and I often will make decisions based on them. I love the support of my family but I wish I had a little more independence at times.
Another thing that is weird being around now is old friends and people I know. It just does not feel the same. They are stuck on their extremely small town ideals and look at me like I am a freak when I speak of things that I now enjoy and have experienced. They act so conservative it is ridiculous. Which leaves me craving for some sort of culture beyond country music and all the yee haw lifestyle. Even though I crave culture the places I would have to go to achieve that scares me a little. I am not partial to city life and I am of course socially awkward. It takes me forever to adapt and if I am alone in a new area even longer. All my new friends have dreams of the city and living there. I think I would like the lifestyle, diversity, and culture but all those people and crime in one area bugs me. I wish sometimes I would just take a chance without having regrets and worries seething from my brain.
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