Get outta my head

Lately songs have been stuck in my head relentlessly so I decided to take the parts that seem to repeat over and over again and put them together into one mess of a song like thing lol. I know its not very good but it gave me some amusement  and let me reflect a little as to why I love these songs so much.

They say, be afraid
You're not like the others
Futuristic lover
So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know. 

 Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
My heart is just too dark to care.

Who do you think you are?
Different DNA 

You open my eyes
My smile was taken long ago
And I'm ready to go
Lead me into the light 

And that's all the time that ittakes 
Deliver me into my fate
So give me a sign

From the ice inside your soul
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain

I don't deserve to have you...

Home

Home again and it feels so strange. It is nice seeing and being with the family but after a while I just want to be alone. I know they are very supportive and everything but sometimes I wish I was on my own. That would mean however that I would need to become financially independent of them because I know that if I try and move out they will drop their support of me in many areas because they believe if I think I can play house I can pay for everything else. Sure this is true I am officially an adult and I should be less reliant on them. They however have such an emotional pull on me. They guilt trip me and use my emotions against me and I often will make decisions based on them. I love the support of my family but I wish I had a little more independence at times.

Another thing that is weird being around now is old friends and people I know. It just does not feel the same. They are stuck on their extremely small town ideals and look at me like I am a freak when I speak of things that I now enjoy and have experienced. They act so conservative it is ridiculous. Which leaves me craving for some sort of culture beyond country music and all the yee haw lifestyle. Even though I crave culture the places I would have to go to achieve that scares me a little. I am not partial to city life and I am of course socially awkward. It takes me forever to adapt and if I am alone in a new area even longer. All my new friends have dreams of the city and living there. I think I would like the lifestyle, diversity, and culture but all those people and crime in one area bugs me. I wish sometimes I would just take a chance without having regrets and worries seething from my brain.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I miss you already. You have made this world so much more than what it seems. Some days I feel like I am stuck in a dream. Just waiting to wake up and realize you are not there. Only a figment of my imagination, seeing the reality that I am the mad one. Yet it continues on adding memory after memory, even if you forget I will always remember for you. Our first meeting to our recent departure, each an important detail in my life catalogued away for future laughs and smiles. Of course, we have had our bad moments. Issues that have been resolved for the most part, even if one bad memory still lingers from time to time I still manage to see the good in you. No matter your dark history and your current resistance to allowing me to try and help, I still have remained. Even when at times it has brought me to tears that you seem to not be able to understand. I have weakness I know that but we all do and mine it my emotion at times but I love to feel even if it is sadness and numbness. You are probably thinking I am crying right now and sorry you are wrong once again lol. I love how at times you can read me like an open book but other days a blind man could see me better.

Be strong. I know you are. I know you have dark thoughts to even tho you will not elaborate them to me anymore. I hope.. and yes for once I pray for you not do anything foolish on those days you feel pointless or lost. I cannot imagine what I would do if something ever did happen your doing or anothers. Just know that I love you even if you do not want it. It is there for you when or if you even need it and that is all I can offer as a friend. I do not know what you think of me. I see hesitation in you and sometimes downright awkwardness or what seems like you wish I would just give up and disappear. You always however seem to some how remove that doubt in the end. We both know how I tend to exaggerate at times.

Please be safe and know that even if you feel alone in this world I still care,

Unclouded

Treat You Like A Princess

Hmmm thinking once again how it leads me to trouble. Over thought thoughts that plague my mind crawling to get out and once they do they are only thrown into my face as over-exaggerations of a depressed soul. So what I freak out over little things sometimes. Maybe its just the fact I love to argue and most of the time it is just play. It's hard for me to just let go sometimes. I can't help that I feel like if I mess up that my life is ruined. It is like walking on a tight rope and not knowing if there is a safety net below. If I fall I hope something is there to catch me and so far it has but occasionally it hasn't and has led to a few broken memories. I seem to live to be perfect even tho my life is far from it. I try and try and only am let down and causing myself more pain. I just do not get it. Then of course when trying to walk my fine line I try and gather others to help guide me or others to fix. Most of the time it is to fix people. I never can. I try and try but I fail. I care to freaking much to do me any good and once again I get hurt... I know what my problem is, I care to much about everyone and could care less what happens to me. I have yet to find a way to fix it. I have been working on it but I always get shot down. I try and focus on the positives someone told me about myself beings I could not think of any but they fly out the window. Even tho the one statement I was told made me giggle. "One day you will find someone and they are gunna treat you like a princess because of that big heart of yours". I cannot find myself believing that and further more I am not a princess nor should I be treated as such. Just treated as an equal or as someone who is worth the world to another person would be nice.

Human Nature- in my opinion

Basic human nature- eating, sleep, sex, defecation, urination
Complex- emotion, speech, relations, the psychological

These terms are a few of many that describe us at our simplest and broadest levels. Each can be brought down to multiple levels that explain us individually and make us unique. Often times we combine basic and complex features of our nature making things even more complex. Example- sex and emotion. To me this is what separates very much from animals. The ability to feel emotion. The ability to love and feel intimacy with out or with a physical act such as sex. Sex in its most basic form yes is the means for creation and the extension of a species but with humans it is more than that. It is building bonds. It is developing family and those ties that allow us to feel close to one another and appreciated. This is yet another thing that sets us from animals. There are some exceptions of course with the sense of family (example: wolves, lions) but most have their kids feed them (basic needs) and set them on there own without much of any emotional or intimate contact. There are also human exceptions to this also. There are many who love for the pleasure of that feeling that they get from it and they develop limited emotional ties to that individual and move on to the next person or they maybe forced to resort to using sex as a means for survival. These individuals however are not wishing to build bonds and do not wish to be tied down with kids and are merely interested in the physical feelings and biological fulfillment of the act of sex. There are of course many other combinations of complex and basic nature such at emotion and eating but that will have to wait for another time

Humans are complex. Every life form has its own unique complexities. Who knows if anyone will truly understand it all.

Special

Everyone is special.. Everyone is unique.. In a way they contradict themselves. If everyone is unique they are then not an individual but a part of a crowd that is joined by the concept that each of them is special in some way. So therefore is everyone really unique because unique would be normal and everyone would be it and not be the definition of what unique is. Sigh, yet again I am over thinking things. If only I would apply this energy I spend on pointless ponderings towards something more productive.. hmm perhaps the pile of schoolwork that is just staring at me right now.
Anyways.. being unique what is it that sets us apart as individuals but yet binds us together as a whole. Am I unique? Is there something about me that allows me to stand out from the crowd. I mean come on this amazingly hot body and model perfect face have to set me out right. Psh it would be nice if that previous statement was true. I guess I am unique in the manner of my appearance because I hate the girly girly stuff of the world. Yet I for some reason crave to one of them from time to time. A goddess whom men and women envy. Maybe my superior artistic skills just blow everyone out of the water. Again, I wish. My photography is mediocre at best and I can draw one fine stick man. So what makes me worth it?

I know many of my friends have so many qualities that I envy. Some of them a tad bit strange and I myself have only heard about but never been able to see or experience which would be kick ass I might add. Almost everyone of my friends has some sort of quality that I wish to acquire and make a part of myself. Rayne's charm and artistic abilities. Tasha's spontaneity and humor. Alisha's determination and faith. Celeste's ability to empathize and make things seem simple. I could go on and on.

So now I am left with the thoughts of what about me is desirable if anything? What sets me apart? I have trouble seeing it.

Where's my Blue Sky

Lately I have been more clouded than not. Clouded by emotions. Clouded by confusion. I just want to see the blue sky for once. Reach out into the sun and have my questions answered. Just to be able to lay in the grass and let the negativity flow from me. Instead I am plagued with rains drops turning into floods of emotions and desolate thinking. I feel trapped in a wasteland my only friend the vulture circling above me hoping for me to trip and not get up. I have limited reason to feel lost. I have my friends and my family but yet I feel consistently let down and worthless.

Set back after set back. Let down after let down. I still manage to shuffle on for the sake of others. They are my lifeline pulling me thru life. Every now and then a one line is cut or is growing weak and my course changes or I stop just for a while. I have no sense of self only of what others have made me become. Sometimes that being is a monster selfish and wanting. Other times that creature is so weak and scrawny someone should just put it out of its misery.

But this is not all new to you dear readers.. If anyone reads these at all. You obviously have heard this rant many times before in so many different forms. Most of you wish probably I would get over it and rant about other things but at the moment this is my release. This is the one entity that I can tell my true feelings even tho I believe no one really seems to care about my rants and ramblings but why should they? Even tho I know of some of the individuals whom claim to read this but I know they do not because they never ask about it. So Im gunna let my true emotions flow as the blind remain blind.