Human Nature- in my opinion

Basic human nature- eating, sleep, sex, defecation, urination
Complex- emotion, speech, relations, the psychological

These terms are a few of many that describe us at our simplest and broadest levels. Each can be brought down to multiple levels that explain us individually and make us unique. Often times we combine basic and complex features of our nature making things even more complex. Example- sex and emotion. To me this is what separates very much from animals. The ability to feel emotion. The ability to love and feel intimacy with out or with a physical act such as sex. Sex in its most basic form yes is the means for creation and the extension of a species but with humans it is more than that. It is building bonds. It is developing family and those ties that allow us to feel close to one another and appreciated. This is yet another thing that sets us from animals. There are some exceptions of course with the sense of family (example: wolves, lions) but most have their kids feed them (basic needs) and set them on there own without much of any emotional or intimate contact. There are also human exceptions to this also. There are many who love for the pleasure of that feeling that they get from it and they develop limited emotional ties to that individual and move on to the next person or they maybe forced to resort to using sex as a means for survival. These individuals however are not wishing to build bonds and do not wish to be tied down with kids and are merely interested in the physical feelings and biological fulfillment of the act of sex. There are of course many other combinations of complex and basic nature such at emotion and eating but that will have to wait for another time

Humans are complex. Every life form has its own unique complexities. Who knows if anyone will truly understand it all.

Special

Everyone is special.. Everyone is unique.. In a way they contradict themselves. If everyone is unique they are then not an individual but a part of a crowd that is joined by the concept that each of them is special in some way. So therefore is everyone really unique because unique would be normal and everyone would be it and not be the definition of what unique is. Sigh, yet again I am over thinking things. If only I would apply this energy I spend on pointless ponderings towards something more productive.. hmm perhaps the pile of schoolwork that is just staring at me right now.
Anyways.. being unique what is it that sets us apart as individuals but yet binds us together as a whole. Am I unique? Is there something about me that allows me to stand out from the crowd. I mean come on this amazingly hot body and model perfect face have to set me out right. Psh it would be nice if that previous statement was true. I guess I am unique in the manner of my appearance because I hate the girly girly stuff of the world. Yet I for some reason crave to one of them from time to time. A goddess whom men and women envy. Maybe my superior artistic skills just blow everyone out of the water. Again, I wish. My photography is mediocre at best and I can draw one fine stick man. So what makes me worth it?

I know many of my friends have so many qualities that I envy. Some of them a tad bit strange and I myself have only heard about but never been able to see or experience which would be kick ass I might add. Almost everyone of my friends has some sort of quality that I wish to acquire and make a part of myself. Rayne's charm and artistic abilities. Tasha's spontaneity and humor. Alisha's determination and faith. Celeste's ability to empathize and make things seem simple. I could go on and on.

So now I am left with the thoughts of what about me is desirable if anything? What sets me apart? I have trouble seeing it.

Where's my Blue Sky

Lately I have been more clouded than not. Clouded by emotions. Clouded by confusion. I just want to see the blue sky for once. Reach out into the sun and have my questions answered. Just to be able to lay in the grass and let the negativity flow from me. Instead I am plagued with rains drops turning into floods of emotions and desolate thinking. I feel trapped in a wasteland my only friend the vulture circling above me hoping for me to trip and not get up. I have limited reason to feel lost. I have my friends and my family but yet I feel consistently let down and worthless.

Set back after set back. Let down after let down. I still manage to shuffle on for the sake of others. They are my lifeline pulling me thru life. Every now and then a one line is cut or is growing weak and my course changes or I stop just for a while. I have no sense of self only of what others have made me become. Sometimes that being is a monster selfish and wanting. Other times that creature is so weak and scrawny someone should just put it out of its misery.

But this is not all new to you dear readers.. If anyone reads these at all. You obviously have heard this rant many times before in so many different forms. Most of you wish probably I would get over it and rant about other things but at the moment this is my release. This is the one entity that I can tell my true feelings even tho I believe no one really seems to care about my rants and ramblings but why should they? Even tho I know of some of the individuals whom claim to read this but I know they do not because they never ask about it. So Im gunna let my true emotions flow as the blind remain blind.

Care

Do you care?... I'll take your silence as a no. I am alone in this and my mind is slipping. I layout a path of silent clues about hidden truths but no one seems to try to understand. Why would they? It does not involve them so they continue on with life happy and sublime while I sit here wasting this life I am given. For once someone please open your eyes open your ears and your hearts most of all. See that I am falling apart even as I try and fix you all. Tell me your problems. Feed me your pain. I will turn it all into my own giving me purpose and giving me a reason to remain sane. Whisper your secrets that you cannot share, I'll listen I'll care but turn your back when I need just a hug. Someone, anyone to make me feel like I am loved. Just walk away as you always do and say you do not understand. Just give me a knife, a bottle of pills, or maybe some rope. Then I'll take this pain into my own hands.

Self-Hate

I feel so insignificant at times in this world. Everyone seems to have some sort of purpose or something that drives them yet I feel lost.. worthless. People no longer seem to care about my ideas or what I say. They just push me away thinking that I am not on the brink of my own destruction. Some days I want to prove them all wrong and be like see I did need help. See I really did feel this way. Yet the people whom matter to me the most seem to have me at a different level at which I have them. I would do anything they ask and would risk and am currently risking so much to help them. I often wonder what I am worth to them? Would they return the favor? Would they cry if I was gone? Would they do everything they could to understand what happened to me and why it happened? Or would they cry and move on and forget? Would I become just another memory that just pops up occasionally or would I haunt their mind. If I lost them I know I would loose part of my soul. I am an emotional slave after all. Caring often when caring is not needed.

People tell me to move on and to worry about myself. I honestly do try but I look in the mirror and see so much hate for myself. I cannot seem to break the feelings and voice in the back of my head whispering to me, your not worth it, no one wants you, your a freak, genetic waste, you cannot be loved, your to fat, they are all just using you, and so many more cruel things that appear from my head. I try and do battle with them often. I wear my makeup. I feed off the comments of support.  I tell myself I am worth it. Then the cycle begins again as it seems every available straight male just passes over me and goes directly to my friends. It hurts to be the last one they talk to. The last one they even look at or think to introduce themselves to. Once they do they just look away and concentrate on wooing my friends and I sit there and try and join in the conversation and they just stare at me as if I just need to shut up. So I stand there watching my friend socialize and laugh. Watching them gather numbers as if it is money as I grab another drink to swallow down my tears. My friends then giggle all the way home about meeting their future prince charming and how amazing they were as I sit there in silence with the only accomplishment of the night being I consumed the most drinks in such little time. Occasionally a straggler will attempt to make a move on me but even I am not so desperate to accept his offer. They often are such low quality I do pity them but pity is not enough for me to move on into a relationship where I knew I would be unhappy. They are often rude, uneducated, and only after one thing. I am not into any of that and miraculously still take some pride as to whom I consider acceptable. This is slowly diminishing with time tho. I know I eventually will give in and just blame it all on evolution and that my genes are not worth crap to the genetic superiors. I am often very negative about this whole genetic factor of attraction thing but I know that does sway us in many ways. If it didn't I would have already went out with some fairly scary individuals just to fill the void that seems to grow daily. Even the most open minded people have standards and degrees to which they accept things I guess.

Lost

Can you find me? Do you even care? I am right in front of you screaming. Yet you do not let out a single tear. I feel invisible as you walk past me eyes glazed in your societal medicated trance. I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. Yet I care about you anyways. All I ever wanted was one chance for you to see that I am worth it even though you claim I do not have what you need. Isn't caring enough? Isn't what I feel enough? Yet you continue on as a lonely desperate zombie craving for the flesh of those whom care less about you. Those who will never see behind the monster you believe you are. Those who will never see the good I see in you. So I waste my tears and my life on a broken soul whom I can never have or never hold.


So leave me in this wasteland of the lonely and damned. Just leave me here as my body will slowly begins to join the sand. I will drift and be forgotten. A relic of your past that never could move on.

Just another fleeting memory.

Bleak

O how rather depressing an individual I can be. It seems all I do is complain about life's failures and my inability to be perfect. I try my best to smile and be happy with who I am and which what I have been given. Yet I put a role of miserability and at times I feel like I bring others with me so up go the walls and a smile is painted on my face. I am trying my best to change this habit. To be happy. To have hope. To believe that this is how things are meant to be and that this is all worth it. Challenge after challenge and change after change hits me and I have trouble adjusting and often make myself lost in my own little world wondering if the Cheshire cat is going to be the next thing to pop up out of no where. I wage a battle everyday telling myself not to be foolish and to see what I all have and I can feel the tingling joy inside. I can feel the confidence build but then it is all shot down within minutes by such a simple event. Then I find something that I invest myself in. Often times this is an individual who seems to need some sort of assistance. I pour my soul into them trying to brighten their lives hoping that they can do the same in return. This strategy fails many times. I can never make their darkness leave completely and my own dark cloud swarms into my heart soon after.  Then often times they push away or I some how manage to distance myself and I feel foolish about what I have done feeling like I have wasted so much and gain so little. I need to learn to be self-sustaining and to be comfortable alone but it hard when your one desire in life is to be loved by so many. All I can do is say no to the suicidal thoughts, no to the alcohol, and no to the labels and try and find a new happy me.