Why can't I for once dream of unicorns or something?

My head is swimming with my heart these days. Night is no longer a comfort and refuge of late. I usually can sleep away my trouble and tears and have pleasant dreams. Nightmares rarely frequent my mind but of late they seem to want to add to my troubled mental state. I already live thru the outlandish annoying depressed thoughts every day but now my one refuge for relaxation seems to have also vanished. First the dreams of me being abducted now my mind apparently wants to kill off my friends. Last night is the most memorable for me because it is still fresh and I actually decided to start writing things down. I only hope that my mom's habit or whatever its called of dreams becoming reality does not visit me and that these are merely expressions of my subconscious trying to tell me something.

I'm sitting at home when I hear my cell phone ring. I look down to see Amanda is calling and find it quite strange but pick up. Her voice is troubled and not that confident cheerfulness that she seems to spew everywhere on her normal days. She states."Sumara somethings happened." I can hear her sobbing on the other line. I am anxious and fearful. "Raynes... dead." she sputters over the phone. I drop the phone and it seems as if her voice is magnified in the room. "I tried to help, I tried to stop them but I couldn't do anything!" she screams. I feel something unexpected. Anger. I feel as if I am changing. I grab the phone and yell back "It's your own damn, fault. You both had options and you made me dead to you." The phone breaks and pieces fly everywhere. I feel so angry I feel like I can set the world on fire. I look at my hands as they begin to elongate and nails sharpen. I'm scared now but I can still feel the anger. I run to the bathroom and watch in horror has my hair grows and grows turning white. I peel at my skin because it itches so much. It comes away in flakes. Underneath is new healthy tan skin. My eyes turn black. My teeth sharpen and grow. I become taller and taller and more toned. I grin back at the mirror no longer afraid and then it bursts and there is nothing but blackness. I wake up feeling like I have been hit by a car and my shoulder stiff with pain and head throbbing. So much for sleeping tonight.

Perhaps it is just stress. I am uncertain but the nightmares of losing loved ones and waking up to new found aches and pains need to stop. Why can't I for once dream of unicorns or something?

Metamorphosis

Not again. Why does this happen to me? I ache so much. This is so typical of me. I should have known that I was worthless to Rayne from the get go. Just like every other male in the universe. I am a waste of woman. The little teasing joke of me buying cat food for my imaginary cats all to soon to be real. The cat lady my only destiny. How many times to have to beg plead to have someone something in this life to love and actually want me. I'm so pitiful. I am trying to change... trying so hard. I crave some sort of feeling beyond lonely so I have taken to running through the woods, screaming my heart to the trees, and yelling at chipmunks. The music of Korn and Slipknot only pushing me to run harder.. to get the ache of soreness in my legs. Pain.. something to feel beyond my emotional anguish. I feel better after I run, I punch, I lift, and I dream by the edge of my silent pond. However, I always have to return to the world where I am not wanted by as much as I hate to say this freaking word.. a mate. I think I just puked a little. I don't have no sad crazy childhood, I have plenty of friends.. but no love even tho I seem to pour my heart to those who never reciprocate. The fates have been trying to tell me something. I see it when I walk and the recent luck that seems to have been granted to me some how. I cannot get over the images I have seen that seem to be telling me something more but what.

The two geese in the woods so obviously mates wandering along the river. A lone goose soon appears. Head low to the ground. A pitiful site to be held by goose standards. He creeps closer to the two head lower showing signs of aggression. The pair pays him no minds until at last he lunges at the pair and they fly away. The lone goose watches and slowly moves to the water edge and sits down with what seemed like pride but some sadness. I see the lone goose almost every time I walk and yell to him I know your anger and sorrow. I feel as if I am the lone goose but my question is.. Is it by my choice or someone elses? I know if I wanted just a physical relationship a rather revolting individual has made many offers but I don't want that. I am tired of being the ugly duckling whom can only attract the most lowly of men. I am this lone goose who hisses at others love because I have been shunned and denied so much to the point I have broken down and given up.

My dreams had been relatively silent as usual and I never take to much meaning to them. I am worried tho. I have had dreams of me being abducted several times. I can never remember much I just know it happened. I always wake up and I am horrified in the middle of the night and I go to make sure I lock my doors. I told my mom who has strange dreams at times that seem to come true on several occasions about my difficulty sleeping and the dreams. She is concerned now as well because my father has also recently had dreams of me being taken. My mother's sleep has grown restless.. I don't know how to take this, literally or metaphorically. I hope metaphorically such as the abduction being a sign of change or being controlled my someone else or forced down a different path.

There is something I don't know about Rayne and Amanda. A secret being held away from me for a reason. Sometimes I wish I was blind like the rest of the world. So I wouldn't have to worry or care. Something is going on with me and something is going on with them. I hate this not knowing and perhaps waiting destruction to strike. Especially when I sense it may be my own, whether that may be personality wise or my entire self. I can already feel the Sumara of the past I buried away trying to surface. She is not so nice and she hates the world and could careless what happens in it. I thought I had buried her in a deep grave but she is fighting to overcome me now....

Truth?

Sigh, o the drama the slip of a tongue and an unthought consequence of actions causes. To think I do not care truly is not to know me. Judgement by words I lead you to believe with out one seeing for their own eyes. To answer the question do I care for anyone but myself? Hmmm would I look the way I do if I did? Would I break down at every potential loss of someone dear to me. Perhaps I just don't trust you because I have always felt as if I am the enemy. As if I am under fire. You admit you can manipulate and control and get what you especially in terms of information why would I have a strong sense of trust when every moment we bicker, banter, and fight over the ideals we differ on.  You think I'm a self-absorbed feminist and I think you are stuck in a traditional judgmental rut. We are like fire and water but instead of making steam we slowly destroy one another. 

Sure we have those bright moments but I always wonder and worry because you lay claim to something that is in fact no ones to own. We are both victims of reactive jealousy (in the context of friendships) deeming each other as threats to someone we hold close when in fact he fails both of us multiple times. Rayne gives me a small comfort I will admit that but I always respect him and his boundaries and rarely instigate behaviors that one would deem intimate. Most times it is mimicry and I follow his lead. We know how confusing this can be. I am not going to give any more excuses for what happened. I personally am not sure why exactly I did what I did. It was an urge inside I can't explain perhaps it is indeed to keep him close or perhaps to warn if it is used as potential bait and lure for power. Perhaps I believe he would not be so power hungry to do that to you. To use you. I don't know why I see such good in him when I have seen the other side and felt its deathly grip. It is foolish and I know I should have given up on him a long time ago but I have always been one for a fools journey no matter the hurt and destruction of my own self and sometimes of others. 

When I think on things I do regret and deep in my gut I know what I did was wrong but the conflict between us and at times what seems like a competition almost has numbed it. If I could go back in time I would slap myself for being stupid especially after we were getting along so well and now it seems I have permanently destroyed any progress. I just need that feeling that this friendship is legit before I commit. That this isn't me just being used to watch Rayne and for one to find out what he is up to. That this isn't a way to keep track of me because I am viewed as threat in some form and the keep your friends close and enemies close mentality isn't at hand. Rarely, do I lack trust and even I am baffled at my distrust. It simply has not happened like this. Perhaps it is because of a rough start my being influnced by others in my thoughts? I cannot give a complete answer but I do believe has a lot to do jealousy. Think what you must I guess. I will disagree to a point. I will admit being a self-centered at times but my life in not in self-absorption by any means. I guess we shall see what lays beyond here.

Whats the point?

Depressed.. lonely.. sheltered.. tired.. weak.. someone kill me please.. it hurts.. lonely forever.. no future.. I want to die.. forget me.......................... wait come back.. love me.. i just need some support.. lie to me and tell me its ok.... give me advice... lie to me.. tell me I am pretty.... hold me.. walk away.. change... hate me... play more mind games.. hurt.. lonely... I dont care anymore.. I can be happy.. I am strong.. Why do you matter.. You dont deserve me... Wait... I love you.. ooh you dont.. I would do anything to make you happy.. wait you wont.. kiss the other in front of me.. kill me with your words and actions.. hate grows.... words spoken not meant to be said... apology.. understanding.. heart still aches.. decision..... to forget and move on.. change myself... die? 

Confusion............

Weakened Armor

Even amongst drunken conversation knowledge is to be held. Rayne can never truly understand the depth of the depression I have just as I can never fully see or hear the delusions or voices he has. Each person's mind is broke in some way. However, the difference is how we cope. Some overcome, other hide it, and some just can't help what is happening to them. I know I can never equate what happens in my mind to anything Rayne feels and even relating it to what he goes through is not fair and for me feels selfish to try and make it seem so horrible but for me what plagues my mind is intolerable.

Hearing others tell you that you are not worth it or reject you hurts. However, when its your own voice that demeans you every second of the day. Doubting who you are. Doubting you will ever be worth anything to anyone. It is maddening. When I am alone it is at its worst. Constant before I go to bed and when I wake up in the morning, my only peace is when I fall asleep with tear crusted cheeks. My inner voice whispering: You'll never be loved, you are always the friend. No man can love you, your more manly than a gay man or some straight men and no real men want that. Your 21 and never been kissed or even on a date with a straight man, something is wrong with you.Your to ugly and fat for anyone to love. If it isn't this form of talk its me observing others and their reactions to me. I know I sometimes over analyze things but its hard when you feel like you are the laughing stock of the world.

Rayne wants me to seek help. I know I should because it is so hypocritical of me to speak so highly of others seeking help and to not be scared of it. I am tho. I hate feeling weak. I am not that girly girl who likes to emote her true feeling all over the place. I fear that judgement. I can't afford to pay for this either. I know therapy can be very long term and I will not always have the insurance to help pay for it. The other thing is my family. They joke about mental health all the time and are against medications. I don't think they would understand why I feel the way I feel. Just like at times I do not get it. No one has seen the letters I have written in my "death book", not even Rayne.  I hide my writings usually and this is the most public yet but I know few people even look at this page so it does not concern me as much.

For now I will just wait and see if perhaps I can find my own happiness and find some way to battle my own demons tho I can feel my armor weakening


Just a video I watch when I feel horrible. How Oni makes me smile!

Explanation

Some may be confused about my random previous post. It seems that both people whom I know have blogged about this issue have taken the stance of silence once again to public each for different reasons. One I was watching privately with out her knowledge because I wished to learn more and more about this organization that I spoke of previously and it was kind of a test to a degree. Just to test what I knew of her and what she claimed to be. Wrong perhaps in the eyes of our friendship which I apologize for but with what I know it stands to reason my desire to question what I am being told and what I currently understand.

For those that have no clue what I am speaking of. I will give a general overview of somethings that I have been told by others. This information I was told affects the lives of two close individuals of mine and I am very confused about the situation. I am hesitant to write about it on here but honestly it just another test that must be done. I am finally realizing I cannot believe without question anymore as much as I would like to because there are so many alternate options. Rayne, whom I have spoke of before, is the one who brought me into this circle of confusion, starting with his letters and journals he had written and slowly leaking me more information about his former life. What I am about to say was told to me in the affect that it is extremely dangerous knowledge.

For most of us we assume our government is well not the most honest people in the books but we still trust them as a society to do what is right. According to Rayne and my other cohort whom I will call Amanda, there is a secret organization that was created by the U.S. under the Bush presidency after 9-11. This organization operated secretly and terminated those who were deemed threats and I am sure they did other secret gov stuff as well. I am not certain of a lot of things so these are all generalized statements just to remind you dear readers and some of this may need to be revised if I am incorrect or leading on to much.

My friends claim to have been involved with this organization in there high school years and later. Rayne has the most incredible stories. Amanda I have not been able to speak with much about these situations because I know she does not wish me to understand anything further of this. These claims are extraordinary and in my previous blog I have spoken of my doubts and theories and what evidence I do have to support their claims.

One day I hope I will know the truth and understand it instead of tossing all this in my head everyday. Wishing I could dive deeper into the stories and meet the others Rayne and Amanda claim to know that are involved and learn more about them. I however, respect Rayne enough not to pry to much and will not do so unless he wishes. He is my best friend and this story, reality, whatever it is; it is not worth losing his friendship.

Cloak and Dagger

Story time yet again. Another pile of stories with the evidence the words you speak or type. It hard sometimes to believe especially when one is trying their best to study to a field that would totally contradict those thoughts and perhaps establish a case study just on what I know because it so interesting and peculiar. I have a few theories as to what is going on. Simple quick theories that with out much study and a little evidence there is support for it.
Theory A) This organization is real. I freaking hate them. They need to leave Rayne alone he has enough mental anguish as it is. They confuse the hell outta me by forcing others to tell me secrets and pull me along this line that I thinly walk in normal life making me wonder if I myself am going insane. What purpose do they have by telling outsiders or allowing outsiders or allowing outsiders who do find out to live for that matter. Why allow leaks? Perhaps they believe no one will believe it and pass it off as crazy or that person as crazy  therefore saving their asses. To me if I was a secret organization and I had some loose ends I sure as hell would tighten them any way possible and take care of the loopholes. I am nothing special and have no particular skills they could use except for the fact I care deeply about Rayne and for some reason trusts me. Rationale for supporting this theory: Members/Former members have detailed and quick recall of events, some potential photographic evidence seen in a binder I found along with photos I was told of doubles, the number of people I am told that believe and know about this. Rationale for doubt: I have not spoken to those whom claim to still be further involved, I have not spoken to families of members who know and asked their perceptions, limited support for former members, former member has severe mental illness whose symptoms can greatly distort reality, claims of doubles may be rationalized with MPD, elaborate detailed stories can be seen in numerous disorders, no other physical evidence that this exists beyond spoken word and a few photos.
Theory B): This organization is a disillusion of a seriously ill individual who has been lead to believe all these horrifying and incredible things thus scaring him for life. MPD is a potential diagnoses to explain doubles- Appearance is same but attitudes different. Occurs during times of extreme stress or psychosis. Potentially working together with schizophrenia  or schizotypal personality disorder enhancing disillusions. Explanation for others Share Disillusion Disorder or the attempt to escape reality or the attempt manipulate another into holding on to them.
Theory C): It is a mixture of both theories. The organization exists but MPD may be a current or past potential.(would explain current memory loss/lapses in individual and claims of being missing for extended periods of time) Stories may be distorted due to mental illness but still may have some truth to them.

I can theorize all I want. I have been trying to examine this and understand this from the day Rayne told me his secrets and continued to do so. From the weeks I started having dreams of him coming out to me that he was some sort of alien before other info was revealed. I don't know what to think anymore and it is driving me up the wall. I want answers. Solid answers. However, I am no longer going to let this be a focus on my life. I am not going to be paranoid no more. Cautious to a degree potentially but I am not going to let this consume my constant bickering in my head. The answer maybe important but the most important thing to me is being there for Rayne right now. In the present and not some screwed up past. He is right it is time to move on. It is time to find our true lives and not live in whatever past we have and I am going to try and do that for my own personal dilemmas in life.

Unclouded
(yes my psych class in partially to blame for this rant )

Cannot Stand

Sigh how sad it is that even on here people think I am an overemotional lesbain. So to set things straight lol. I am straight even though i strongly supposet LBGT and just because of my overwhelming ties and most of my stories relating to them does not mean that I am among them. Ok... off to the real purpose of this.

Rayne.. how you worry me. Your illness worsening just as the scars on your arms seem to run deeper and become more prevalent. I want you to find peace I want the voice the screams the anger I want it all to stop for you so badly. If for one day.. heck for the rest of them if I could take them away and give you peace to let you find yourself I would. Your worries that you tell me only make me worry more. I will not always be here to try and rescue you or calm you the best I can. I honestly would try my best but even that might not be enough. Please dont let it consume you. Please fight I know it is a daily struggle but please fight if not for yourself for me for your family and for everyone who loves you. None of us can ever truly understand what is happening to you but we can try our best.  Always remember I care and I love you even if is not something you wish for me to do it is always there for you.

Bliss

Classes are going great. My teacher is strangely intrigued by me which is something new. Most of of my professors could car less let alone take a vested interest. It is kinda nice feeling wanted and valued for once. Everyone of my papers she makes such positive comments and is very interested in what I write. It is all confidental and sometimes I think my papers turn more into journals than anything. It is so awkward to be stopped by a teacher before class and having them complement me on my paper telling me that they agree with me or have some understanding in a current dilemma.  I never thought that I would be so interested in these classes either or actually have so much to add and learn from. I should thank Rayne for that I guess.

Speaking of him. I thought that this summer would clear my mind and let me learn patience and distance with him. He certainly is good at the silence aspect. I try and maintain contact and it has been a waste of time mostly until of late. It was so strange actually recieveing a message saying he missed me. I had all but gave up on him and figured that my replacement had bemused him into the reality that I am not returning for a long time. Hopefully he continues to stay in contact it so nice to hear from him!

Following Secrets

No one sees me nobody cares
I live in a different reality than theirs
Follow the Prince mad of mind
Play the games
See who gets hurt this time

Shall I reach for the rabbit
or will it be the blade
a touch of maddness
I must keep at bay

No magic powers
Nothing but my human soul
Defenseless and meek
This secret takes its toll

What is normal?
I cannot tell no more

Useless Once Again

Replacement in full swing as your mouth whispers your secrets. I thought I was the one you trusted but I guess that was wishful thinking. Hurt once again as I see you leaving for your concrete jungle. Left behind only to be alone. What demise do you suggest for me? Insanity? My own knife? Drowning in my tears? All sound like peace anymore. So now I see the truth in those words you whispered to me not so long ago. You will not wait for me like you said. You will move on and forget like I always knew you would. You will no longer need me to go with you because you only need one to continue on your quest and I guess I am just not it. So go.. endanger the uneducated one who claims they know so well of you when they have only seen a tip of the ice berg. Lead her as you lead me so when I return I will be useless once again.

Deafening Silence

Your silence is deafening,
more traumatic than any storm. 
I just want to understand you,
because you never could.
Don't you see that I care about you,
I always told you I would.
Now I'm in a similar darkness,
without the madness that is now reality.
I hear my own voice condemning and pushing,
just make myself yet another fatality.

Let me in once again,
clean your wounds if you will let me.
Help make this darkness end,
perhaps we can both be happy

Rawr

Just so frustrated with things right now. It seems I am failing at everything and I cannot do nothing right. I do not know what to do in my life anymore. College is pissing me off.. I feel like dropping out at time but I feel like I would just crush a lot of dreams that way. All I do is worry about everyone else. It is screwing up my life but I feel so lonely without having to worry about someone or something. My family has taken the news of my grades a lot better than expected but they are not happy at all. They have their suspicions as to why I failed and blame it on me and my friends to a degree. Accusing them of things that they cannot help and that my family does not know much about. They do not know my friends like I do and yes I know sometimes.. ok a lot of times I am taken advantage of financially. It my fault also tho because I have the capability to say no but I hate to disappoint people.

My mom has been after me again about the whole having gay friends thing. " If you ever want a straight man you have to get out of the bars and stay away from all those gays"" It makes you look gay when you hang out with them all the time".. Sigh I can see the disappointment in my mom's eyes at the fact that I do not nor have ever had a boy friend only gay friends. She has no idea how much it hurts when she pressures me like that. I want a guy to but seriously pushing me isn't going to help. I wish she could see how lonely I feel and understand that it is hard for me to approach or even relate to a lot of guys it seems. I don't want to be alone. It's not my choice to be single. I just cant help the only thing I seem to attract are gay men and married old farts. I love my gays very much so if I do I ever get a guy which the likely hood of occurring declines everyday  they will have to freaking live with it because my friends comes first.

I know your lonely

I know your lonely... those four words reverberating in my mind. How can you have read me so well when everyday I make myself about everyone else. Sigh my friend you are going to be great at your career is all I can say. Year after year neither I nor anyone has said those words until to recently. Leaving with the truth I hide from myself. Yes, I am very lonely. Sure I have friends and family but ultimately I just want someone to love and be loved back for once. Someone to return my hugs with equal warmth and strive to want to see me instead of a dominantly one sided relationship at times. The hugs and subtle physical touches do help qwell my demands for partnership to a degree but ultimately I go home to a home or room that is empty besides my family and I curl up at night wishing for the warmth of someone beside me even if it is just a friendly one.

You stick beside these guys you like so much even when they are not interested in you because you hope they will see in the end what you have all done for them and that you were the one always there for them in their times of need. Sigh, once again my friend is remarkably good. Yes, I do this very often I know this but it gives me some sort of joy and something to put effort into and gets other darker thoughts off my mind worrying about others. I am only human and crave what I cannot have due to this gotta have it now mentality that we have been raised in.

Seems my friend is able to find a lot of the missing pieces that I have hidden but she will never ultimately understand the depth of what I have on my mind. The confusion, the emptyness, the dreams, and so much more.

Get outta my head

Lately songs have been stuck in my head relentlessly so I decided to take the parts that seem to repeat over and over again and put them together into one mess of a song like thing lol. I know its not very good but it gave me some amusement  and let me reflect a little as to why I love these songs so much.

They say, be afraid
You're not like the others
Futuristic lover
So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know. 

 Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
My heart is just too dark to care.

Who do you think you are?
Different DNA 

You open my eyes
My smile was taken long ago
And I'm ready to go
Lead me into the light 

And that's all the time that ittakes 
Deliver me into my fate
So give me a sign

From the ice inside your soul
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain

I don't deserve to have you...

Home

Home again and it feels so strange. It is nice seeing and being with the family but after a while I just want to be alone. I know they are very supportive and everything but sometimes I wish I was on my own. That would mean however that I would need to become financially independent of them because I know that if I try and move out they will drop their support of me in many areas because they believe if I think I can play house I can pay for everything else. Sure this is true I am officially an adult and I should be less reliant on them. They however have such an emotional pull on me. They guilt trip me and use my emotions against me and I often will make decisions based on them. I love the support of my family but I wish I had a little more independence at times.

Another thing that is weird being around now is old friends and people I know. It just does not feel the same. They are stuck on their extremely small town ideals and look at me like I am a freak when I speak of things that I now enjoy and have experienced. They act so conservative it is ridiculous. Which leaves me craving for some sort of culture beyond country music and all the yee haw lifestyle. Even though I crave culture the places I would have to go to achieve that scares me a little. I am not partial to city life and I am of course socially awkward. It takes me forever to adapt and if I am alone in a new area even longer. All my new friends have dreams of the city and living there. I think I would like the lifestyle, diversity, and culture but all those people and crime in one area bugs me. I wish sometimes I would just take a chance without having regrets and worries seething from my brain.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I miss you already. You have made this world so much more than what it seems. Some days I feel like I am stuck in a dream. Just waiting to wake up and realize you are not there. Only a figment of my imagination, seeing the reality that I am the mad one. Yet it continues on adding memory after memory, even if you forget I will always remember for you. Our first meeting to our recent departure, each an important detail in my life catalogued away for future laughs and smiles. Of course, we have had our bad moments. Issues that have been resolved for the most part, even if one bad memory still lingers from time to time I still manage to see the good in you. No matter your dark history and your current resistance to allowing me to try and help, I still have remained. Even when at times it has brought me to tears that you seem to not be able to understand. I have weakness I know that but we all do and mine it my emotion at times but I love to feel even if it is sadness and numbness. You are probably thinking I am crying right now and sorry you are wrong once again lol. I love how at times you can read me like an open book but other days a blind man could see me better.

Be strong. I know you are. I know you have dark thoughts to even tho you will not elaborate them to me anymore. I hope.. and yes for once I pray for you not do anything foolish on those days you feel pointless or lost. I cannot imagine what I would do if something ever did happen your doing or anothers. Just know that I love you even if you do not want it. It is there for you when or if you even need it and that is all I can offer as a friend. I do not know what you think of me. I see hesitation in you and sometimes downright awkwardness or what seems like you wish I would just give up and disappear. You always however seem to some how remove that doubt in the end. We both know how I tend to exaggerate at times.

Please be safe and know that even if you feel alone in this world I still care,

Unclouded

Treat You Like A Princess

Hmmm thinking once again how it leads me to trouble. Over thought thoughts that plague my mind crawling to get out and once they do they are only thrown into my face as over-exaggerations of a depressed soul. So what I freak out over little things sometimes. Maybe its just the fact I love to argue and most of the time it is just play. It's hard for me to just let go sometimes. I can't help that I feel like if I mess up that my life is ruined. It is like walking on a tight rope and not knowing if there is a safety net below. If I fall I hope something is there to catch me and so far it has but occasionally it hasn't and has led to a few broken memories. I seem to live to be perfect even tho my life is far from it. I try and try and only am let down and causing myself more pain. I just do not get it. Then of course when trying to walk my fine line I try and gather others to help guide me or others to fix. Most of the time it is to fix people. I never can. I try and try but I fail. I care to freaking much to do me any good and once again I get hurt... I know what my problem is, I care to much about everyone and could care less what happens to me. I have yet to find a way to fix it. I have been working on it but I always get shot down. I try and focus on the positives someone told me about myself beings I could not think of any but they fly out the window. Even tho the one statement I was told made me giggle. "One day you will find someone and they are gunna treat you like a princess because of that big heart of yours". I cannot find myself believing that and further more I am not a princess nor should I be treated as such. Just treated as an equal or as someone who is worth the world to another person would be nice.

Human Nature- in my opinion

Basic human nature- eating, sleep, sex, defecation, urination
Complex- emotion, speech, relations, the psychological

These terms are a few of many that describe us at our simplest and broadest levels. Each can be brought down to multiple levels that explain us individually and make us unique. Often times we combine basic and complex features of our nature making things even more complex. Example- sex and emotion. To me this is what separates very much from animals. The ability to feel emotion. The ability to love and feel intimacy with out or with a physical act such as sex. Sex in its most basic form yes is the means for creation and the extension of a species but with humans it is more than that. It is building bonds. It is developing family and those ties that allow us to feel close to one another and appreciated. This is yet another thing that sets us from animals. There are some exceptions of course with the sense of family (example: wolves, lions) but most have their kids feed them (basic needs) and set them on there own without much of any emotional or intimate contact. There are also human exceptions to this also. There are many who love for the pleasure of that feeling that they get from it and they develop limited emotional ties to that individual and move on to the next person or they maybe forced to resort to using sex as a means for survival. These individuals however are not wishing to build bonds and do not wish to be tied down with kids and are merely interested in the physical feelings and biological fulfillment of the act of sex. There are of course many other combinations of complex and basic nature such at emotion and eating but that will have to wait for another time

Humans are complex. Every life form has its own unique complexities. Who knows if anyone will truly understand it all.

Special

Everyone is special.. Everyone is unique.. In a way they contradict themselves. If everyone is unique they are then not an individual but a part of a crowd that is joined by the concept that each of them is special in some way. So therefore is everyone really unique because unique would be normal and everyone would be it and not be the definition of what unique is. Sigh, yet again I am over thinking things. If only I would apply this energy I spend on pointless ponderings towards something more productive.. hmm perhaps the pile of schoolwork that is just staring at me right now.
Anyways.. being unique what is it that sets us apart as individuals but yet binds us together as a whole. Am I unique? Is there something about me that allows me to stand out from the crowd. I mean come on this amazingly hot body and model perfect face have to set me out right. Psh it would be nice if that previous statement was true. I guess I am unique in the manner of my appearance because I hate the girly girly stuff of the world. Yet I for some reason crave to one of them from time to time. A goddess whom men and women envy. Maybe my superior artistic skills just blow everyone out of the water. Again, I wish. My photography is mediocre at best and I can draw one fine stick man. So what makes me worth it?

I know many of my friends have so many qualities that I envy. Some of them a tad bit strange and I myself have only heard about but never been able to see or experience which would be kick ass I might add. Almost everyone of my friends has some sort of quality that I wish to acquire and make a part of myself. Rayne's charm and artistic abilities. Tasha's spontaneity and humor. Alisha's determination and faith. Celeste's ability to empathize and make things seem simple. I could go on and on.

So now I am left with the thoughts of what about me is desirable if anything? What sets me apart? I have trouble seeing it.

Where's my Blue Sky

Lately I have been more clouded than not. Clouded by emotions. Clouded by confusion. I just want to see the blue sky for once. Reach out into the sun and have my questions answered. Just to be able to lay in the grass and let the negativity flow from me. Instead I am plagued with rains drops turning into floods of emotions and desolate thinking. I feel trapped in a wasteland my only friend the vulture circling above me hoping for me to trip and not get up. I have limited reason to feel lost. I have my friends and my family but yet I feel consistently let down and worthless.

Set back after set back. Let down after let down. I still manage to shuffle on for the sake of others. They are my lifeline pulling me thru life. Every now and then a one line is cut or is growing weak and my course changes or I stop just for a while. I have no sense of self only of what others have made me become. Sometimes that being is a monster selfish and wanting. Other times that creature is so weak and scrawny someone should just put it out of its misery.

But this is not all new to you dear readers.. If anyone reads these at all. You obviously have heard this rant many times before in so many different forms. Most of you wish probably I would get over it and rant about other things but at the moment this is my release. This is the one entity that I can tell my true feelings even tho I believe no one really seems to care about my rants and ramblings but why should they? Even tho I know of some of the individuals whom claim to read this but I know they do not because they never ask about it. So Im gunna let my true emotions flow as the blind remain blind.

Care

Do you care?... I'll take your silence as a no. I am alone in this and my mind is slipping. I layout a path of silent clues about hidden truths but no one seems to try to understand. Why would they? It does not involve them so they continue on with life happy and sublime while I sit here wasting this life I am given. For once someone please open your eyes open your ears and your hearts most of all. See that I am falling apart even as I try and fix you all. Tell me your problems. Feed me your pain. I will turn it all into my own giving me purpose and giving me a reason to remain sane. Whisper your secrets that you cannot share, I'll listen I'll care but turn your back when I need just a hug. Someone, anyone to make me feel like I am loved. Just walk away as you always do and say you do not understand. Just give me a knife, a bottle of pills, or maybe some rope. Then I'll take this pain into my own hands.

Self-Hate

I feel so insignificant at times in this world. Everyone seems to have some sort of purpose or something that drives them yet I feel lost.. worthless. People no longer seem to care about my ideas or what I say. They just push me away thinking that I am not on the brink of my own destruction. Some days I want to prove them all wrong and be like see I did need help. See I really did feel this way. Yet the people whom matter to me the most seem to have me at a different level at which I have them. I would do anything they ask and would risk and am currently risking so much to help them. I often wonder what I am worth to them? Would they return the favor? Would they cry if I was gone? Would they do everything they could to understand what happened to me and why it happened? Or would they cry and move on and forget? Would I become just another memory that just pops up occasionally or would I haunt their mind. If I lost them I know I would loose part of my soul. I am an emotional slave after all. Caring often when caring is not needed.

People tell me to move on and to worry about myself. I honestly do try but I look in the mirror and see so much hate for myself. I cannot seem to break the feelings and voice in the back of my head whispering to me, your not worth it, no one wants you, your a freak, genetic waste, you cannot be loved, your to fat, they are all just using you, and so many more cruel things that appear from my head. I try and do battle with them often. I wear my makeup. I feed off the comments of support.  I tell myself I am worth it. Then the cycle begins again as it seems every available straight male just passes over me and goes directly to my friends. It hurts to be the last one they talk to. The last one they even look at or think to introduce themselves to. Once they do they just look away and concentrate on wooing my friends and I sit there and try and join in the conversation and they just stare at me as if I just need to shut up. So I stand there watching my friend socialize and laugh. Watching them gather numbers as if it is money as I grab another drink to swallow down my tears. My friends then giggle all the way home about meeting their future prince charming and how amazing they were as I sit there in silence with the only accomplishment of the night being I consumed the most drinks in such little time. Occasionally a straggler will attempt to make a move on me but even I am not so desperate to accept his offer. They often are such low quality I do pity them but pity is not enough for me to move on into a relationship where I knew I would be unhappy. They are often rude, uneducated, and only after one thing. I am not into any of that and miraculously still take some pride as to whom I consider acceptable. This is slowly diminishing with time tho. I know I eventually will give in and just blame it all on evolution and that my genes are not worth crap to the genetic superiors. I am often very negative about this whole genetic factor of attraction thing but I know that does sway us in many ways. If it didn't I would have already went out with some fairly scary individuals just to fill the void that seems to grow daily. Even the most open minded people have standards and degrees to which they accept things I guess.

Lost

Can you find me? Do you even care? I am right in front of you screaming. Yet you do not let out a single tear. I feel invisible as you walk past me eyes glazed in your societal medicated trance. I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. Yet I care about you anyways. All I ever wanted was one chance for you to see that I am worth it even though you claim I do not have what you need. Isn't caring enough? Isn't what I feel enough? Yet you continue on as a lonely desperate zombie craving for the flesh of those whom care less about you. Those who will never see behind the monster you believe you are. Those who will never see the good I see in you. So I waste my tears and my life on a broken soul whom I can never have or never hold.


So leave me in this wasteland of the lonely and damned. Just leave me here as my body will slowly begins to join the sand. I will drift and be forgotten. A relic of your past that never could move on.

Just another fleeting memory.

Bleak

O how rather depressing an individual I can be. It seems all I do is complain about life's failures and my inability to be perfect. I try my best to smile and be happy with who I am and which what I have been given. Yet I put a role of miserability and at times I feel like I bring others with me so up go the walls and a smile is painted on my face. I am trying my best to change this habit. To be happy. To have hope. To believe that this is how things are meant to be and that this is all worth it. Challenge after challenge and change after change hits me and I have trouble adjusting and often make myself lost in my own little world wondering if the Cheshire cat is going to be the next thing to pop up out of no where. I wage a battle everyday telling myself not to be foolish and to see what I all have and I can feel the tingling joy inside. I can feel the confidence build but then it is all shot down within minutes by such a simple event. Then I find something that I invest myself in. Often times this is an individual who seems to need some sort of assistance. I pour my soul into them trying to brighten their lives hoping that they can do the same in return. This strategy fails many times. I can never make their darkness leave completely and my own dark cloud swarms into my heart soon after.  Then often times they push away or I some how manage to distance myself and I feel foolish about what I have done feeling like I have wasted so much and gain so little. I need to learn to be self-sustaining and to be comfortable alone but it hard when your one desire in life is to be loved by so many. All I can do is say no to the suicidal thoughts, no to the alcohol, and no to the labels and try and find a new happy me.

Subtle

How amusing it is to try and lead people to conclusions with little hints. You watch them squirm with anticipation and then bam they get it. It is like a cruel game. Other times tho it seems that the person is so blind as to what is truly happening. Are they completely unaware of the messages I am sending out? Sure I will admit that I can put up a very good mask as to what I truly feel and give of vibes of content but seriously is it that good that no one can really see what my heart is like at times. Every action put forth by an individual has meaning! Whether or not we consciously notice it is the issue. Even the slightest action, the usage of word, or the slightest glance can have the deepest meaning. Why is it so many of fail to try and interpret it and question, well why did they do this and why did they say this, what about the tone they use. I am not a great reader of people, I can often tell their distress and see thru the wall they put up to hide it but as much as judgement of character I have issues with being to open. I know of one person tho who I swear looks at you and bam they have a fairly consistent view of who you are and so far has been only wrong a few times. I would save myself some grief if I had that ability. I just wish sometimes that someone would try and see the hints I drop and the actions I take. See what my eyes are really hiding as I smile at you. I am a chameleon. I can be who ever you want me to be. I often do that with friends. I mold myself to be whomever they need at the moment even if that puts me in a poor situation. I blend in and try and make things seem right even tho I know that I myself have many inner demons that need to be taken care of. It just surprises me as to how many aspects of myself I have created. As a youngster- friendly and outgoing. Elementary school- withdrawn and sad. Middle thru High School- Angry, violent, withdrawn, random, manipulative Current-? I just do not know who I am any more. I am each a piece of the person around me.. a Frankenstein monster of friendships and tears.

Men ugh

I swear I do not understand them. I am not your bro do not sit there and talk like women are a piece of meat that you can use and throw away. This is exactly the reason I seem to be drawn toward gays! They make you feel amazing and actually care about your thoughts because they are not distracted about whats between your legs and slapped on your chest.. Sorry, all this is built up anger from an internet conversation I had. I did not make clear my aggrevation but continued on with the conversation to further observe the behavior I despise so greatly.  Here is the following conversation.

y gotz any single lady friends? :P

Report · 2:05am

ummmmmmmmmmmm............ lol well most are bisexual cept for one but trust me u aint interested in that

Report · 2:05am

its bi curious

n y not?

ya gotz to show me pics now

Report · 2:07am

well the one girl i know  is a a legal midgit.. The other girls I know are well lets just say  are major sluts and probably have stds and have kids lol but heck they are single... ummm lets just say most of my friends are not from college they are from the wrong side of the tracks lol.. Cept one girl is really nice but she prefers women to men

 

Report · 2:09am

bring em all!

ill take em

n i got condoms!

ill take em all on!

Report · 2:09am

omg

Report · 2:09am

all at once!

Report · 2:10am

trust me ik the one has sumtin wrong.. the dude went down on her and says it smells like seaworld

Report · 2:10am

lmao. funny thing just hapened

well i aint goin down on anyone

unless i got like a beer to wash my mouth out

but still no

but funny thing

last weekend i was tellin (M) that it would be fun n funny to f*ck a midget

just sit her on there n spin her

it would be funny as f*ck if ur midget friend came

 ill just tell her to suck my d*ck cuz shes low enough

n plus her little hands will make my c*ck look huge!

lmfao!

Report · 2:12am

............ 0_0........

Report · 2:12am

lmfao

u know u got a laugh outa that

for the love of god n our friendship invite her n put a good word in for me

lmao

Really.... is this how all straight men behave? This individual continued on and even was daring enough to imply that I myself perhaps could have taken to the slutty side and  stated other less then welcoming comments. Sigh... Why cant gay men be the straight ones even it was just for one day..

Existence

Now everybody lets sing the doom song! doom doom doom doomie doom doom doom doomie doom! Sorry for that Invader Zim cartoon stuck in my head from the other evening. Hmmm lately the world seems to be obsessed with aliens. Perhaps I am the only one that has noticed around me currently. Sure I follow the blogs and read about the subject occasionally because heck it is fun and scary to think we are not the only ones out there. It just seems to me that the consistent bombardment with alien movies, TV shows, and even a few commercials come to mind, seems to be sign for something more. Perhaps there is more to this then we realize. I may be wrong especially since Americans are often so easily swayed into believing almost anything and creating mass fads of hysteria for a certain person or concept. Twilight and vampires being a good example. Maybe aliens is just the next fad but I highly doubt I will be seeing teenage girls running to get autographs from their favorite alien voice overs or see them putting up posters of aliens on their wall. That's one sexy Grey you got on your wall lets beg for an anal probe yay! lol sorry poor poke at humor there. From what I understand from the reading I have done there are three forms of alien life that have been known to have visited and or are currently residing on this planet. Grays, reptilians, and humanoids.. Grays just plain creep me out from what I have read and I do not understand people's love of them. The reptilian forms seem to be more ancient and less known from what I gather. I guess I would hide to if I had some sort of crazy lizard head thingy. Then the humanoids which both fascinate and scare me at the same time. I of course am no expert on the topic and truly do not go to far into these things. It is just morbid curiosity. So I guess we will have to wait and see what the true meaning behind the recent increase of alien interest and movies will be.

Hurt

Hurt Me

 

by ~fungusamongme

Hurt me and I'll cry,
Hurt me and I'll bleed,
Hurt me and I'll die,
Hurt me, you will see.

Hurt me, I can't sleep,
Hurt me, I can't eat,
Hurt me, I can't concentrate,
Hurt me, I can't retreat.

Hurt me, I won't hurt back,
Hurt me, I won't leave,
Hurt me, I'll love you still,
Hurt me, I'll still believe.

Hurt me, I'll say "sorry,"
Hurt me, I'll take it on me,
Hurt me 'cause I'm used to it,
Hurt me! Hurt me! Please!

Hurt me and I'm yours,
Hurt me just once more,
Hurt me so much that,
I can't hurt anymore...

One can hurt someone in so many ways. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes all three. Some of us move on and live and forgive and forget and there are those who stand and fight back. We hurt as others hurt us back. Sometimes we are not even aware of the hurt happening or push it away because we do not want to recognize what we have become.  We are our monsters destroying ourselves and others slowly. I let people hurt me. It seems sometimes I enjoy the pain. I care to much about them and forget about myself. Even as they seem to be grasping the life from me I still find myself crying for their soul. I want them to so bad see what they are doing and that I love them even if they seem hell bent on destroying me at times. They may treat me like I do not exist or that am I not human. I do have a heart, take your hand feel it beat. I do feel pain, watch my tears stream down my face. For once try and feel the emotion in the actions I take as I hug you trying to smooth away the fears. I forgive you even tho everything inside is telling me not to. I know the actions you took we not your fault but understand I do feel fear and I do not want to fear you. Hurt is something that is just so hard to forget remember that.

The Knight Lies

Its not you Its me
I just don't like you that way
Can't we just be friends
I'm not into girls like you
Your like a sister

So many ways to let someone down. It hurts to be pushed away and never given a chance. You love them but they do not love you back or at least not in the way you want them to. It is mind numbing and painful not to be wanted, not to be desired especially by those whom we admire the deepest. You crave to just be given the chance to show them that perhaps you are their soul mate but they push you away. Most are kind enough to use the above statements but hidden beneath them the truth of what they are really saying is hidden. They know not to say you are just not attractive to them and to shove the blame or potential somewhere else. There is always someone else that you can have or someone else that you deserve. They always say there is some sort of knight in shining armor waiting for you but they are just not it. So I am not worth the try is what you are saying? I am not good enough for you but someone else out there is willing to take what you deemed not worthy? They try and calm your tears just so they will not have to feel your anger at the truth behind your words. Sure, in some situations those words are true and perhaps it is at risk of loosing a great friendship but it does not stop the ache. So you give up and hope to find someone new. Someone who is not so shallow but what happens when that journey seems to never end? No one gives you a chance and they all shove you aside, then what? You find yourself thinking of the ones you almost had and the ones you never will. You find yourself lost in emotion and loneliness. It slowly turns to despair. Perhaps the taste of alcohol or drugs seems to fill that abyss that you now have for a heart. It seems there is no light even when you are surrounded by friends who try to push you in the right direction but it always leads to another loss, another name added to the list of people to whom you are not worthy. So then when you are lost and alone you keep hold to those words that those who have shoved you away. There is someone for everyone..... just not you, the words are a treacherous cycle that slowly consumes you. Soon everyone leaves because they do not want to be taken down with you and they have their own loves to worry about. What are you left with... the memories of every denial, the failure of your attempts, and the shattered dreams. Yet, you hold on because even tho the darkness has consumed you there is still a tiny spark of hope that you hold on to. Perhaps a friend or family member has decided to still stand by you and try and battle your inner demons. Will they help find the light? For my sake I hope so.

Love?

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.

(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.

a love affair;  an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.

sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.

( initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.

affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.

strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.

the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.

the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.

Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.

14.

a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

These are all definitions of one word that seems to consume most of our human lives. We strive to seek it in another and desire to be loved back. What really makes us strive for this concept? Hormones? Genetics? Human nature? Why do we strive to have a strong fulfilling relationship with another? This questions go through my mind a lot. It puzzles me as to why this feeling and emotion exists and can we really survive mentally and physically without it. Why do we feel lonely, when there are others around us? Why do we make ourselves go through this process?

Without love there would be nothing left but the urge to procreate just to continue the human race. Love separates us from animals in some sense even though some people may believe that animals to are capable of love. I think they are but not to the degree humans are capable of. 

I myself often wonder if I really need love. I am speaking of romantic love not the love you experience for family and friends. Do I honestly need this feeling to feel complete and happy in life? I am not sure, it seems I have done well without it so far. I have never truly romanticly loved anyone and I am still breathing and moving on in my life and attempt to succeed but in the end will I feel complete without it or is just society telling me I am wrong because I have never experienced this?

Emotions-Apologies- Gifts- Acceptance

After reading my previous post I feel slightly worried about myself. Some of the things I said contradict my open minded notion of accepting other ideas whole-heartedly but even my mind swings shut in periods of extreme emotion. I need to work on how they affect me so much because they really do blind my judgement at times. The people or should I say person I was describing mostly in my previous post lets just say brought me to a very very angry will you just listen my way or the highway I am woman hear me roar kinda point which happens occasionally. So to set things straight no I do not hate them, yes I will continue to listen to their opinions because I would other wise contradict myself, and yes I am truly an occasional doormat but not always. I will stand up for whom I care deeply about and can be passionate in things when I want to be. Ok.. enough about this on to the other subject at hand.

Gifts.. Items given to express so many different things. A lot of times you can tell how much you mean to a person just by looking at what they give but of course there are those people out there who are just horrible gift givers and lack any taste at all and the theory of it's the thought that counts really applies to. There are also those who hate receiving gifts because they either feel in debt to that person or do not feel worth the thought that taken to give them things. These people puzzle me. At our human core we cannot help but to desire or wish for things. What easier way to better get that by through gifts. Do they not see the joy it does bring some people to give them a gift. I love seeing their eyes light up, a smile cross their face, and just the variety of emotions to watch and analyze. Then there are those who give gifts all the time. They buy things for you randomly and expect nothing in return or do not want you to give them anything back. It is admirable to be selfless like that and not require repayment but when someone is willing to gift them back and they push it away it is often so discouraging. I just want to yell I bought this for you because you are amazing and you have helped me out so much will you please just accept it! Then they begrudgingly do but its not to long before they run off and get you something else. I personally have a problem when people other than relatives spend large sums of money on me. If you spend twenty bucks on me I am a happy camper but when you are will just to whip out sixty to eighty dollars for a gift then it is very very hard for me to accept. I am a person who feels that I must pay you back in some form and with such a large amount of money it makes it difficult for me to do things. I hate that feeling that I am not able to completely show how much they mean to me because of my current limited income. I guess money should not mean everything but that is so hard to see in a society run on greed.